It is because of this grief I carry with me that I see what is important in life. The gifts I have received on this journey have been great. Would I change or forget all I have learned in exchange for having Arthur back? Of course I would. I would do anything to have him here with me. But I know, my Soul knows this is the way it has to be. The lessons we learn are not always easy and certainly not what we would choose. Yet, life is full of them. Some lessons bring us joy, happiness and at times, good fortune. Then, there are those lessons that bring agonizing, debilitating pain. Lessons that at first we only see the “why me” of it all. I fought the urge to embrace anything positive from Arthur’s death. I wanted to wallow in the darkness. There was a time in the beginning that I just wanted to die. I could not grasp a reality without him in it.
Then the numbness subsided and I became aware of the fact that I had one of two choices. Go the rest of whatever life I have left miserable and unhappy, just waiting for it all to end, or face life with anticipation and joy. In simpler terms, I could choose to live my life or sit around and wait for it to end.
It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. At first I told myself that I had to go on for my family. My kids and my grandchildren needed me. Kurt needs me. But in truth, I needed to live for me. Losing Arthur made me see that there are so many things I still want to do. I have had a good life but I always hid a part of myself, tucked neatly away so long that I forgot it existed. I wish I had more courage when I was younger to do the things I longed for. I worried to much about what people would think I suppose. Most of the dreams I had early on were pushed away quickly by the ideas of others perspective on how I should live my life. So now, in my fifties, I am going to do some of the things I have always wanted to do.
I am going to grow an eclectic crazy garden, paint my house bright vibrant colors and listen to loud music as often as possible. I will surround myself with people I enjoy being with! I am going to throw parties for no reason at all.. I am going to stop and talk to people on the street, feed stray animals and hug trees whenever I can! I am going to go middle age crazy! I can almost hear Artie laughing…
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