Some nights I just can’t sleep. The mind can really torture you when you are sleep deprived. The unanswered questions and doubts that run through my mind I can hardly deal with at times. My mind tells me Arthur is fine and having a blast with family, old friends and I am sure many new friends, but my heart is dying a little everyday it seems. I refuse to let this continue to bring me down. I WILL NOT become a shell of a woman grieving for the rest of my life! My life has purpose, meaning and so many reasons not to just go through the motions. So…. Starting today…. I will go forward, I will find happiness in every moment and I will see Arthur’s smile and hear his laughter whenever I feel myself falling again.
Please feel free to comment whenever you want. You don’t have to comment on my posts necessarily. You can tell about a memory you might have of Arthur. Share a triumph in your life. Or even any experiences maybe of Arthur staying in contact with you. Anything is fine. If you just need a place to vent, that’s fine as well. If you would like something not to be posted I can keep it private. Just let me know.
It drives me insane when I feel things are getting better then, BAM! I fall apart out of the blue. I am so tired of crying, tired of the pain and yes there is still agony! I miss him so much that I would give anything to have him here to hold.. Or him hold me would be the best right now! Everything reminds me of him. I need to mow but I know I will cry the entire time. Seeing him in my minds I mowing every week. I get in the car and realize he is not riding shot gun and I ache for him. Taking Izzy out, folding clothes, trying to get all of the garbage to the road before the trash truck comes. Every damn thing I do. I do know with all my heart how much I still have to live for but, there is a part of me that can’t wait to go to him, hug him and hear about all he has been doing since he left us!!
I have been avoiding going to the park since Artie left because I thought it would be too painful. He love that park and I know for a fact some of his happiest times in the last months happened there. Yesterday however, I had a strong pull toward the park so I stopped on my way home. I was amazed at how much of Arthur’s essence I could feel there. It wasn’t like I saw him or heard him, it was more like his energy was all around me. I read an article that says the more we talk to them and keep them in our thoughts the easier it is for our loved ones to let their energy come through to us. I am sure I will be spending more time there now, sitting under the tree where he stood so many times out of the sun.. I love you Artie!!
I was thinking today, while out in the garden, what is it I miss the most about Artie not being here. There are so many things, he was so full of life and filled our lives with so much joy. Thinking on it all day I would have to say I miss his energy most. Sure I miss his hugs, his amazing illuminating smile, his infectious laughter, I even miss getting on to him about leaving a mess every where he went. But his energy was so prominent in my life. From the moment that boy was born his energy was unmistakable. Arthur was my joy and my hope for everything the moment I held him for the first time. When I am in the garden, when there is laughter in the house, when I throw the ball for Izzy, his energy is here. Surrounding us with love and the knowledge that he will always be here to watch over us and protect us..