We become desperate to hold on to our memories when we lose loved ones. I find myself going through the same photos and videos over and over. There should be more of Arthur. There should not be a year and a half since the last one of him was taken. I should have one of him in the new garden, one of him driving off in his car for the first time. There should be date pictures and a first day at his first job pictures. I want wedding photos and a picture of the tears in his eyes when his first child was born. I want him here to mark every milestone like we were supposed to.
The fact that Wolfgang has such a busy “Social” makes me happy. I was afraid he would have a hard time getting back to being a kid. The only problem I have with it is that I get lonely. Silly huh? I have always had the kids or Kurt or friends around all of the time. But, things are different now. I ate all 3 of my meals alone today. I can’t recall a time that has ever happened. I sat at the kitchen table that I just refinished staring at my 1930 Magic Chef stove, that I am disassembling to redo. I guess this is the empty nest syndrome so many people talk about. I would have had this come eventually anyway. I just wasn’t prepared for it to get here so quickly. I like taking these old things and redoing them. I think maybe this could become a good hobby for me.
These heavy moments do not invade my heart as often but, they do still come. God I miss him so much! Some days the thought of living many years here without him is unbearable to imagine..
When you lose a child many things go through your mind every day. Something I have thought of many times is what Arthur would look like as a grown man. I mean, he was such an amazingly handsome young man so I could only imagine. It is one of the things I have felt totally cheated out of. Well, I had a dream about him recently. A very short but vivid dream. He was grown, I would guess maybe 30ish.. He had a beard, not a big heavy one, a nice, neat and soft beard. He had those same striking blue eyes too.And of course that brilliant smile. All of the dream visits up till now have been with him around 10 years old. This was truly a gift.
There are so many changes in our lives since that day. Horrific, dark miserable changes. There have also been amazing, wonderful life changing moments. One thing that has remained a constant, except of course for our family and friends is my garden, and the small bit of land I get to spend time on. Everything is so green and fresh. The smells are enchanting. To take something as simple as dirt and turn it into not only food for my family, but an oasis for the little creatures that live out there is truly a gift to me. There is nothing like sitting in the early morning and being witness to the sunrise and the coming to life of our yard.
Sometimes you just have to stand back and really see what has the most value in your world. Life can be challenging for many and smooth sailing for others.. Some people face diversity, loss and pain by striking back. Some fall onto hard times and maybe take paths that are not the best for them or others in their lives. I know people on both sides. I have known women that have faced many hard challenges, a few most of their lives. Many have breezed through the tough times and come out on top. A few have fought and failed, some many times over. And in that group there are even fewer that finally find the right strength within them to conquer the demons. But they rise above tragedy, addiction, loss and grief, being knocked down over and over. These are the fighters, the women that have what it takes to rise from the ashes. There is a woman in my life and I am not sure she knows how proud I am of her, and how far she has come. The road is not always going to be easy and when you have lost a child, that same road is even longer. If you can survive that, no matter how long it takes or how many times you fall, you are a Warrior. We fight a battle within ourselves everyday. The fight for survival, for strength and just for another moment of sanity!
This has been a pretty great week so far. Spent time in the garden, had a date with my hubby and spent time as a family. It does feel like we are finally putting things back together around here. We did have a moment of really missing Artie when we were drawing up the plans for the new chicken coop. He loved our chickens and was heartbroken when our brood was killed off a few years ago. They were pets that rewarded us with eggs in exchange for our love and care. We just added 15 new little guys to our family and are building them a new home. They really are fun and adorable! We should be getting eggs by the Christmas holidays. The weather is warming quickly and my garden is coming along wonderfully. I feel Arthur’s presence and love whenever I am out there. It is still our favorite place to be together.
Often in our busy lives we forget the most important thing. To be kind to ourselves. We were all put on this earth for a certain purpose. We may not always know that purpose right away, others seem to know from birth. I am one of those still looking for my place in the grand scheme of things. I thought I knew. I had it all wrapped up in a neat pretty package at one time. But, the Universe reminded me that my ideal of the perfect life was not what I thought. This set me on a Spiritual journey, a quest of sorts. There are many things we sometimes find out about ourselves when face with tragedy. I am learning to think for myself, and trust those thoughts as they come. Something I have never done very well. What we have in our hearts and what our Souls tell us are what we need to be aware of. My heart has always been in the right place, I just forgot to bring my Soul along for the ride..