We become desperate to hold on to our memories when we lose loved ones. I find myself going through the same photos and videos over and over. There should be more of Arthur. There should not be a year and a half since the last one of him was taken. I should have one of him in the new garden, one of him driving off in his car for the first time. There should be date pictures and a first day at his first job pictures. I want wedding photos and a picture of the tears in his eyes when his first child was born. I want him here to mark every milestone like we were supposed to.
The fact that Wolfgang has such a busy “Social” makes me happy. I was afraid he would have a hard time getting back to being a kid. The only problem I have with it is that I get lonely. Silly huh? I have always had the kids or Kurt or friends around all of the time. But, things are different now. I ate all 3 of my meals alone today. I can’t recall a time that has ever happened. I sat at the kitchen table that I just refinished staring at my 1930 Magic Chef stove, that I am disassembling to redo. I guess this is the empty nest syndrome so many people talk about. I would have had this come eventually anyway. I just wasn’t prepared for it to get here so quickly. I like taking these old things and redoing them. I think maybe this could become a good hobby for me.
These heavy moments do not invade my heart as often but, they do still come. God I miss him so much! Some days the thought of living many years here without him is unbearable to imagine..
When you lose a child many things go through your mind every day. Something I have thought of many times is what Arthur would look like as a grown man. I mean, he was such an amazingly handsome young man so I could only imagine. It is one of the things I have felt totally cheated out of. Well, I had a dream about him recently. A very short but vivid dream. He was grown, I would guess maybe 30ish.. He had a beard, not a big heavy one, a nice, neat and soft beard. He had those same striking blue eyes too.And of course that brilliant smile. All of the dream visits up till now have been with him around 10 years old. This was truly a gift.
There are so many changes in our lives since that day. Horrific, dark miserable changes. There have also been amazing, wonderful life changing moments. One thing that has remained a constant, except of course for our family and friends is my garden, and the small bit of land I get to spend time on. Everything is so green and fresh. The smells are enchanting. To take something as simple as dirt and turn it into not only food for my family, but an oasis for the little creatures that live out there is truly a gift to me. There is nothing like sitting in the early morning and being witness to the sunrise and the coming to life of our yard.