Hope

I ran into in an old, very dear friend today.. We have know each other about 25 years. 

She lost one of her son’s 15 years ago in a car accident. I trust her and I know she would never tell me anything that was not truth. I have watched this woman grieve all these years and never understood her pain until now. I felt ashamed for a moment that I have not been there for her more over the years. 

We spoke about how I was doing almost a year in.  She asked about Wolfgang as well. We talked about her boys and how they were getting on.  

With the lovely smile she has had all of these years, she said something I so needed to hear. “It will get easier”  The pain will never go away, but it does get easier to get through the days.  

Now, this did not make all things right with the world by any means, but it did give me something to hold on to. Hope… Hope that there will be joy again, laughter in our home and a future to look forward to. 

I am empty

The thing is, I am a shell of who I was before. I can go through an entire day and remember none of it when the evening comes. I wake and I sleep. That’s all I can process right now. Maybe for the rest of my life, I don’t know. It has been almost a year and I am totally just as lost as the morning he died. 

Painfully honest

I almost did dot post this. It is the harsh reality of the loss of a child. The pain never goes away, and it gets worse as the time goes by…

I am lonely even when I am around people. I feel like I am just coasting along until I don’t have to. I wonder if I feel like this, so low, so depressed that the thought of not continuing this life is only put to the foreground because of what I know it would do to those left behind. If I have gotten to this point, how bad must things have been for my Arthur? How desperate must he have been to not come to me, not to give someone a chance to help him. We talked about everything, he and I. I will never understand. This is my nightmare..

The Soul knows

I was thinking yesterday about how hard I try to stay positive and not let Artie’s death define me.  But it has become who I am. I am the mom that has lost a child. Thinking on this I realized that the external me has not changed, except for the fact that I have aged 10 years.. What is completely different are my heart and my soul. My heart is broken, never will it mend again. It will never beat as it did before, always skipping at the thought of my loss.  My Soul, is not so much different as it is just more in the forefront of my life now. It is like I can feel that my Soul is a seperate part of me. The part that survives this horror because it knows that death is not really the end. My Souls gives me comfort when I cry, pushes me forward when my feet won’t move and gives me unconditional love when I do and think stupid things. My Soul is my connection to Artie. The part of me that knew his Soul before he was ever born in this life. The part of me that loved him always, through out time. Our Souls are all we come here with really, and all that we keep when we leave. The physical form we take is but a temporary vessel for the life we choose. So, as the physical me dies a little each day, my Soul will continue to thrive and  prepare for the next journey…. 

Riding the wave..

I’ve been riding a wave for 10 months. It’s not bad when I am on top of it. I can get air, see the light and for a moment, I forget. Then, just like that, I drop.. I can’t breath, I’m spinning out of control and can’t get myself upright. The hardest part as I’m clawing at the sand is not to allow myself to go out with the current.

Damn this roller coaster!

Even more than I miss Arthur, I miss me, I miss my life before.. I miss laughter, I miss sleeping well, great meals and family trips. I miss having a plan, knowing what we were doing each day. I miss cooking breakfast for the boys, arguing about what’s for lunch and who’s turn it is to take out the garbage. I miss the sweaty boy smell, picking up dirty clothes and trying to get out yet another grass stain.  I miss seeing him sleeping in his bed with his dog next to him, even though she wasn’t allowed on the bed. I would give anything to hear the boys fight over silly things and five minutes later hear them laughing about some goofy video.  I miss the before because the after just sucks.

Warning: Having a really shitty moment…

The anger is what I hate! I am not typically an angry person. But some days I feel consumed with it. Angry at everything. Families that still have their sons, the people that I feel had some small part in the shit that Arthur went through the last few months before he died. I am pissed that he didn’t talk to me more. Mostly, I am so furious that I wasn’t given a chance to stop it. Just a heads up, a message from my inner mom senses that something was wrong that night. There was nothing. That boys entire life I always knew when something was bothering him. The one time he needed me more than any other, I totally missed it!!  How am I supposed to live with that? How do I stop the anger from eating me alive inside?

Missing him this morning..

For me, at this moment, the thing I miss the most is Arthur’s amazing laugh and that smile! His laugh was infectious. It didn’t matter what was going on, if he laughed, all was good. It is the little things in life we will miss the most when they are taken away. The very things we take for granted are the things I would give anything  to have back in my life..