Almost two years

In just a few months we will be at the two year mark. It’s hard to believe I have not heard your voice or had one of your hugs for that long.  I am still here. I have survived one of my worst fears. When we become parents we begin worrying from day one about our children. Will they be heathy, will the be happy and so on.  Of course I never worried about one of my kids taking their own life. Least of all you. You were by far always my happiest kid. I like to think that was the case because of all of the love we all have for each other. I can tell you that you are missed every second by all of us. Someday we will all be together again and this will be but a memorie and lessons learned. I am still on the fence about the living many lives until all lessons are learned and all Karma is cleared. I do know that I never want to feel this pain again, now or in any future incarnations. My lessons have been many since your death, each with its own degree of difficulty. Happiness is still tough to grasp and laughter hard to find. My mornings are filled with the renewal of pain and my days with longing to feel you near. I am trying to keep going, stay positive and be grateful for each moment. Your dad and Wolfgang are my lifelines and without them I would not be here. Two years later and I believe the reality of it all has just become my truth. You are are gone, and I have to find a way to survive until my time comes to leave here.  The fog has finally lifted. It breaks my heart to learn of another child’s suicide. Not for the child, but for the mom. It’s not the beginning of the nightmare that is the toughest, it’s the moment the numbness goes away and we realize this is our reality. When we begin to start living again without our children, that’s when it becomes hell. 

I had our lives all planned out. I never imagined it would change in an instant. But, the fact remains.. Our lives are different That’s okay, because along with the change has come growth..  I have to be very careful not to miss the beauty of the now because I am grieving for a different time. 

The reality of my life.

This weather is beginning to get depressing. Maybe I was a little depressed already if I am honest. The last month has been emotionally draining. So many things to deal with and all I want to do is climb in bed and stay there, forever. I have been working on my book, which has brought about a ton of things I would rather ignore. Not just about Arthur’s death but the things I have learned about myself. Truthfully, it’s not all pretty and I am not liking much of it. The death of a loved one, especially a child, brings reality to the forefront of everything. Dealing with regret, wishing I had more time and feeling as though so much of the time I have been on this earth has been wasted, this is all part of my reality now. I will have left no mark if I were to return to Spirit this day. I know there is no going back, the past is just that. So I am facing the things i need to change. Wolfgang is growing up and will have his own life soon. Where will that leave me? I have been home with the kids for almost 15 years. I am not qualified for any jobs. I could wait tables or tend bar but I am getting a little old for that. It is not easy facing the truths in life at times. But sometimes, we have to stand back at look at things from a new perspective, and see ourselves as we truly are.

Taking the day off.. 

Today there will be no work.  I will spend the day in my garden and hanging out with Wolfgang. No house work, no stress, no negativity, just calm and peace today. Maybe a trip to the beach, to walk in the sand. I feel a need to to realign things today.  Getting out in and spending time with nature is the best way for me to get grounded. There is a peace in nature, a calmness that takes over when you allow your soul to be present. The warmth of the sun is healing, the breeze like a long awaited hug. Your heart can and will connect to all life in nature if you be still and listen. Allow it, be one with it and you will find the peace your soul is anxious to share with you!! Peace, and blessings… 

Just some thoughts.

The thing about grief is that if you let it, it will destroy you. It becomes so powerful that you forget who you are. Especially the grief that comes from losing a child. It slowly sucks the very life out of you. I have been on this journey for 20 months now. There is no way to describe the pain. Mom’s that have lost children have no name.  We are ghost like figures that walk through a world of the living. Even on my best days I feel seperate. I am doing all of the things that make me happy at the moment. This helps. Absorbing the calmness of nature, breathing in the air as I work in the garden. Spending time in the sunshine is healing for me. Watching my chickens and all of the wildlife around me is strangely peaceful. I imagine at times that the birds, the squirrels and even the little possum that hangs out here know I am hurting. They seem to put on comical little shows for me and it helps me forget. It is like having a bunch of furry, feathered therapists all around me.

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