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The Birds in Winter

This Winter weather is starting to be a little annoying! Down here in south Texas we are usually working on our gardens, our tans and testing the pool temp everyday. I cannot remember having what anyone would actually call a true Winter here, EVER!

This morning I bundled up and went out to watch the birds. As I sat there I was considering how they continue to fly in the wind, the drizzle and the cold. They do not sit in their nest shivering, they go about what birds do to survive. The longer I watched them, it came to me that they are not just surviving, they are thriving. Their colors are no less vibrant than in the Spring. They are still playful with each other. They continue with what they know has to be done regardless of the weather.

For the last almost 6 months now I have survived. I get up, I eat, I breath, I might shower, ­čÖé and I do what needs to be done.┬á┬áThis morning though, I realize that I want more. There is still so much life left in me and so many people that I want to spend life with, I am tired of just watching it go by.

An AMAZING young woman gave me some honest and true loving words this morning. She reminded me that we can have an impact and we can still grow within ourselves. At this time in my life I thought I was done growing. Sometimes what others see in you is greater than what you ever see in yourself.

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I don’t want this, I didn’t ask for it…┬á

I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry, God I am so tired of crying! I don’t want to look out of the window and hold my breath just hoping this has all been a horrible dream and Artie will come running through the back gate.. I am tired of losing track of my days. Sometimes hours pass and I have been sitting in the same spot. I want to be strong, I want to go on with my life. I want…. What I want is my son back. I want my life back! I want the person that caused him so much pain that he left us to know the pain I am feeling. I want someone to explain to me why did I not see this coming? How could I have not seen this coming? How could a mom, not know her baby was in trouble? How could I spend everyday, countless hours with him and not know? My head tells me one thing, but my heart does not understand any of it!

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Another first…

Well baby, I survived what was one of the hardest days since you left. I am exhausted from just staying as busy as possible. At least all the kitchen cabinets are cleaned out, laundry is caught up and the floors swept and mopped. ­čÖé The worst part is knowing this is just the first of many important times we will be having without you. Missing you is not getting easier for sure. I’m just getting better at working around the pain. I love you with a broken heart Artie. Even my knowing how much happier you are and the peace you must have now, I will never stop wishing you were here.

Love you more baby!

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Happy Birthday Baby

SCAN0017 SCAN0018Tomorrow is our boys 15th birthday. It should start with chocolate pancakes, then presents and wherever he wants to go for dinner. Instead it will be us trying to make sense of the first of many┬áwithout him. His birthday… Arthur was born at 12:06 am in a small hospital in Boaz Alabama. His big brother Shane was our videographer and big sister Lilly one of my birthing coaches.. :). It truly was such a happy time for everyone. I personally waited a very long time for that baby. Arthur was a good baby from the start. He was even then always smiling and happy. A little comedian from the get go. He was the joy of all of lives..

Happy Birthday baby! SCAN0011 SCAN0012 SCAN0013 SCAN0014 SCAN0015 SCAN0016

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Swollen eyes and a broken heart…

It is so hard to get a grip on this pain. I thought I was doing pretty well, but yesterday I was washed in my grief and pain all over again. For the first time in a while I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with swollen eyes and one hell of a headache. Grief is like an unwanted houseguest. They overstay their welcome, suck up all of your energy and leave a mess when they finally go. But just when you think you have everything put back in its place, and  it’s okay to make plans for the extra space, it walks back through the door. I have said all along I had no control over my emotions, and this was one of the hardest parts of the loss. It is still true after five months. Five months! It seems like years to me right now. Years since I held that blonde little boy with a scraped knee, years since I comforted him when he had his heart broken and years since I heard him call my name, hug me and flash that crazy bright smile.. I will never be over this pain. Our family will always be missing a part of us. I will get through this period of grief.. Until the next one comes….