The Birds in Winter

This Winter weather is starting to be a little annoying! Down here in south Texas we are usually working on our gardens, our tans and testing the pool temp everyday. I cannot remember having what anyone would actually call a true Winter here, EVER!

This morning I bundled up and went out to watch the birds. As I sat there I was considering how they continue to fly in the wind, the drizzle and the cold. They do not sit in their nest shivering, they go about what birds do to survive. The longer I watched them, it came to me that they are not just surviving, they are thriving. Their colors are no less vibrant than in the Spring. They are still playful with each other. They continue with what they know has to be done regardless of the weather.

For the last almost 6 months now I have survived. I get up, I eat, I breath, I might shower, 🙂 and I do what needs to be done.  This morning though, I realize that I want more. There is still so much life left in me and so many people that I want to spend life with, I am tired of just watching it go by.

An AMAZING young woman gave me some honest and true loving words this morning. She reminded me that we can have an impact and we can still grow within ourselves. At this time in my life I thought I was done growing. Sometimes what others see in you is greater than what you ever see in yourself.

I don’t want this, I didn’t ask for it… 

I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry, God I am so tired of crying! I don’t want to look out of the window and hold my breath just hoping this has all been a horrible dream and Artie will come running through the back gate.. I am tired of losing track of my days. Sometimes hours pass and I have been sitting in the same spot. I want to be strong, I want to go on with my life. I want…. What I want is my son back. I want my life back! I want the person that caused him so much pain that he left us to know the pain I am feeling. I want someone to explain to me why did I not see this coming? How could I have not seen this coming? How could a mom, not know her baby was in trouble? How could I spend everyday, countless hours with him and not know? My head tells me one thing, but my heart does not understand any of it!

Another first…

Well baby, I survived what was one of the hardest days since you left. I am exhausted from just staying as busy as possible. At least all the kitchen cabinets are cleaned out, laundry is caught up and the floors swept and mopped. 🙂 The worst part is knowing this is just the first of many important times we will be having without you. Missing you is not getting easier for sure. I’m just getting better at working around the pain. I love you with a broken heart Artie. Even my knowing how much happier you are and the peace you must have now, I will never stop wishing you were here.

Love you more baby!

Happy Birthday Baby

SCAN0017 SCAN0018Tomorrow is our boys 15th birthday. It should start with chocolate pancakes, then presents and wherever he wants to go for dinner. Instead it will be us trying to make sense of the first of many without him. His birthday… Arthur was born at 12:06 am in a small hospital in Boaz Alabama. His big brother Shane was our videographer and big sister Lilly one of my birthing coaches.. :). It truly was such a happy time for everyone. I personally waited a very long time for that baby. Arthur was a good baby from the start. He was even then always smiling and happy. A little comedian from the get go. He was the joy of all of lives..

Happy Birthday baby! SCAN0011 SCAN0012 SCAN0013 SCAN0014 SCAN0015 SCAN0016

Swollen eyes and a broken heart…

It is so hard to get a grip on this pain. I thought I was doing pretty well, but yesterday I was washed in my grief and pain all over again. For the first time in a while I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with swollen eyes and one hell of a headache. Grief is like an unwanted houseguest. They overstay their welcome, suck up all of your energy and leave a mess when they finally go. But just when you think you have everything put back in its place, and  it’s okay to make plans for the extra space, it walks back through the door. I have said all along I had no control over my emotions, and this was one of the hardest parts of the loss. It is still true after five months. Five months! It seems like years to me right now. Years since I held that blonde little boy with a scraped knee, years since I comforted him when he had his heart broken and years since I heard him call my name, hug me and flash that crazy bright smile.. I will never be over this pain. Our family will always be missing a part of us. I will get through this period of grief.. Until the next one comes….

God, I miss my boy…

We went to the park today. Didn’t stay long,  just long enough to realize it will never be the same without Artie. I love our Amtgard family but it’s just not the same.  Watching the  kids on skateboards today made me think about how Arthur was into everything. There was nothing he would not try.
As hard as I am trying to keep it together, there are so many reminders that our lives will never be the same. I am still a mom and wife that needs to be strong. But God help me I am still dying inside.. I still get angry when I see families together. I still want to scream when I pull in the driveway without him. I want my son and our lives back the way they were! By no means were we a perfect family, but together we were whole. We are not anymore, no matter how hard I try..

Just a little clarification.

My last post was really more geared to television than video games. I do believe that video games played for hours a day, several days a week is not good regardless of the game. Even non violent games in excess are too much. Hopefully children know the difference between reality and fantasy enough to not get sucked in. If kids do not realize the difference, their problems go beyond an issue with video games. Over indulgence is never good here..

Television on the other hand is showing humans. Real people being beaten, tortured and mutilated for the world to see. We make murderers and abusers  technically stars in there own minds. We give them the fame and popularity they seek. We write books about them..  The news media thinks nothing of showing beheadings, war footage and the aftermath of natural disasters. The importance of knowing these things are going on is undeniable but showing the graphic video and photos should not be part of that. Sadly this started with video back during the Vietnam war. At least then we were for the most part still shocked by what we saw. Now the entertainment industry has to continually “up the anti” so to speak.

I read the news today oh boy!

I read an article today about how all the negativity we see on the news and social media is affecting the mental state of many people in our society. I have always been a firm believer in “trash in, trash out”. We have become so desensitized to the horror that is flashed before our eyes daily. Horror movies get more and more graphic, video games more violent and the news media show footage that is beyond horrific. It is impossible not to feel negative when these things are all around us everyday. People will argue that these thing do not have an affect people. I have a good example…
When Wolfgang was little and in the hospital, there was not much for him to do. One of the nurses brought a gaming console in for him to play. He was maybe 3 years old at the time. He would play for 30 minutes or so and they would have to come in because his heart rate was going up to fast. He wasn’t playing violent games, Luigis’s Mansion was what he played most, but it made us realize how the games can really effect you. If they could have this effect on your heart and blood pressure in 30 minutes, imagine daily assault of the garbage on your mind.
There was a time when television programming was geared toward families. Games were played around the kitchen table. Shows were about families, the struggles, the joys and happiness of being in a family. Maybe some were unrealistic but they gave us something to model ourselves after. Treating each other with love and respect, going to bat for one another no matter what. Family was what held this country together. We didn’t have to lock our doors. Neighbors sat outside, grilled together and helped keep an eye on each other. When did this all change?
More importantly, can we change it back?

Writers Block

I have not posted regularly for over a week now. I am not sure why really. Normally I would wake up with some thought or feeling that would inspire me to write.  This has not been the case. I have also noticed that the signs from Artie have been almost nonexistant this week. I can’t help but to think there is some connection between the two. When Arthur was still here physically, he was always an inspiration to everyone that knew him. 
Our family has so many changes coming.  So many adventures lie ahead of us. Wolfgang is growing up fast and we don’t want to waste a moment with him. We intend to travel as much as possible this year. Our older kids and their families are spread out so the opportunities for visits are good.. 🙂
My spiritual growth is becoming a true blessing. I continue to find peace in my meditation. There are still days when I feel a tremendous loss but I move forward knowing everything will fall into place as it should be. My moments with Arthur will come when they are needed most. For now I use my time to share our story, build the foundation and continue making memories with family and friends. We are blessed to find it difficult to distinguish between the two.  
I love all of you and thank you once again for your support and the love I feel from you all!!
Have a blessed day and and remember to breath.. Life is in our breath….Breath in positive, breath out out negative.. 🌝♈

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