This Winter weather is starting to be a little annoying! Down here in south Texas we are usually working on our gardens, our tans and testing the pool temp everyday. I cannot remember having what anyone would actually call a true Winter here, EVER!

This morning I bundled up and went out to watch the birds. As I sat there I was considering how they continue to fly in the wind, the drizzle and the cold. They do not sit in their nest shivering, they go about what birds do to survive. The longer I watched them, it came to me that they are not just surviving, they are thriving. Their colors are no less vibrant than in the Spring. They are still playful with each other. They continue with what they know has to be done regardless of the weather.

For the last almost 6 months now I have survived. I get up, I eat, I breath, I might shower, 🙂 and I do what needs to be done.  This morning though, I realize that I want more. There is still so much life left in me and so many people that I want to spend life with, I am tired of just watching it go by.

An AMAZING young woman gave me some honest and true loving words this morning. She reminded me that we can have an impact and we can still grow within ourselves. At this time in my life I thought I was done growing. Sometimes what others see in you is greater than what you ever see in yourself.

I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry, God I am so tired of crying! I don’t want to look out of the window and hold my breath just hoping this has all been a horrible dream and Artie will come running through the back gate.. I am tired of losing track of my days. Sometimes hours pass and I have been sitting in the same spot. I want to be strong, I want to go on with my life. I want…. What I want is my son back. I want my life back! I want the person that caused him so much pain that he left us to know the pain I am feeling. I want someone to explain to me why did I not see this coming? How could I have not seen this coming? How could a mom, not know her baby was in trouble? How could I spend everyday, countless hours with him and not know? My head tells me one thing, but my heart does not understand any of it!

Well baby, I survived what was one of the hardest days since you left. I am exhausted from just staying as busy as possible. At least all the kitchen cabinets are cleaned out, laundry is caught up and the floors swept and mopped. 🙂 The worst part is knowing this is just the first of many important times we will be having without you. Missing you is not getting easier for sure. I’m just getting better at working around the pain. I love you with a broken heart Artie. Even my knowing how much happier you are and the peace you must have now, I will never stop wishing you were here.

Love you more baby!