Webster’s dictionary defines a Warrior as follows:
A person who fights in battles and is known for having courage and skill.
Arthur always fought a battle for goodness. He never understood how people could be mean to each other, to animals or even the earth. He kept these feeling bottled up and did not share them with many. He and I would have long conversations about so many deep things and compassion for for others was a big one. In his heart, he loved the idea of Love! He wanted every person that crossed his path to feel love from him in some way.
In this short time since he passed, I have met some true Warriors. Mothers that have gone through the unimaginable. Just breathing is a struggle not everyone will understand. Pretending to be okay is an Oscar winning performance for us. Having anything that resembles a life is a continuous battle in itself.
But we march forward. The never ending battle we fight will continue all the days of our lives. We fight many battles everyday. We lose some of them and we win some of them. But, at the end of the day, when we shut off the lights and lie down our heads, our children that have gone before us look upon us with Pride! For before them they see true strength, unconditional love and the greatest of all Warriors!!
The time is coming up pretty fast. We will be at two years in less that two months. I was telling someone the story about my necklace today. The one about how I was teasing you about needing something from you to hang on the chain I wear with the pendants from Daddy and Wolfgang. An Angel from Wolfie and a circle with the words “I love you more” on it from Daddy. It was the week before you died remember? I certainly did not expect to receive something the way I did, but I cherish it always! It keeps you with me always, right next to my heart.. I love you baby!!
I was just thinking about the week Arthur died. That is the last time we had the whole family together at one time. I remember walking into the living room at one point and all of the kids were playing a board game. I even remember which one, Fact or Crap. Funny how your mind works . I remember very little of those few weeks but I remember that.
All of our kids and grandkids will be here at the end of this month. We will only be missing our son-in-law because he has to work. It will be so good to have laughter and noise and messes in this house again. I cannot wait! It is what I need right now.
I am trying so hard to get some normalcy back. Our oldest son and his family are coming to visit soon and we are so excited. I enjoy when people come to visit us. I have this overwhelming dislike for going places. Especially places we used to frequent with Arthur. Makes no sense to most I’m sure. If we are here at home, I can focus on things to do. If we go places, places without him, I can’t focus on anything except the fact that he is not with us. Selfish on my part I suppose and it has kind of turned me into a hermit. I don’t think that some of our family understands. I can’t face some places without him.
There are no words to define the feeling of losing a child. There is no way to heal from this pain and just go on. It feels at times as if I live a double life. In one life, I am a mom, wife and woman yearning for joy and happiness! I am married to the love of my life and have 4 amazing children and 4 fun, smart and beautiful grandchildren. I do my best to insure that my family knows I love them and will do everything in my power to keep them safe and content. I enjoy my garden, running my own business and taking care of my animals. I spend as much time out in Nature as possible. That’s the good life, and I cherish it.
Then there is the dark existence I fall into. Every moment, every second of everyday is a reminder that our Arthur is not here with us. No skateboard sounds outside, no piano or guitar playing. No amazing laughter and brilliant smile. This me stumbles through each day as if half aware of life itself. There is always a cloud making everything grey and cold. I always feel as though I am waiting. Waiting for this life to end so I no longer have to feel, anything . No loss, no constant ache in my very soul. I just want this to go away and stop reminding me that life will never be the same.