It’s 3 in the morning, I have been awake since 2. I hate this because I am always painfully aware that you are not here in these moments. The house is so quiet, I can hear the dog breathing at the foot of the bed. My mind wanders and a hundred thoughts invade. I inevitably end up at the memory of that morning, a Sunday just like this. I was coming in to wake you up, to get ready for the park, just like every Sunday for months before. My life stopped at the moment I walked into your room. The light in my smile went out that day. We were supposed to go camping that weekend. I grounded you because of something I can’t even remember now. I wish I had not. I try convincing myself, and most of the time I believe it would not have mattered. Our course was mapped out long ago and we would have ended up here anyway. But that doesn’t change that here in the quiet, I miss you.
I miss you my angel boy. It is funny, the things that trigger these moments. A post about a young man taking care of his mom when she doesn’t feel good. I had a thousand flashbacks of you, taking care of me. It didn’t matter what was wrong, a cold, the flu or just a blah day. You were always there for me. How am I possibly supposed to go the rest of my life without that? I can’t hold back the flood of tears this time. What I would not give to be able to go back, if only for one of your hugs and to hear you say everything is okay mom….
I love telling stories about the boys when they were little. Time has always seemed to go by so fast. Now though, when we talk of them as little boys it seems like a lifetime ago. Wolfie has grown up so much in the last year and a half. There is none of the little dirty faced kid left in him. I hate that his life has taken such a drastic turn. I hate that all he has of his relationship with Arthur are his memories and the stories behind them. I worry every day that Artie did not know how truly proud his dad and I both were of him. My mind runs replays all of the time trying to find moments I can hold onto, moments where I hope I made him feel special.
The upside to this is that I make it a point of letting Wolfgang know how much of an honor it is to be his mom. He is becoming such a great young man. He is funny, respectful and polite. I am in awe sometimes of his warmth and caring. He has the utmost respect for women, which I sadly find rare these days in young men, and I love this about him! I hope I live many more years to see what awaits this young man. The world will always be better because he is in it!
It is moments when Arthur is close that I get these amazing things running through my mind.
Even though I miss him with every fiber of my being, I know he is happy. He was a wingless Angel here in this life and he made an impact on many people. Now he is free to fly, free to be what he was here, only better. An Angel to watch over us, guide us and wait for us to return to that place where he now shines. Thank you Artie for bringing me this Peace this morning. I love you!
: the way you think about or understand someone or something
If you give 10 people the same picture of a person, a landscape or even a book, your are very likely to get 10 different perspectives. This is because we were all given individuals minds and thought processes at birth. So why then do we expect our children to all behave, think and react to situations the same? Our future lies in these little hands and their minds. The thing that scares me the most is what we are doing to their little hearts. Are they seeing enough compassion? Do they witness human kind at its best? Do they know what it is to love unconditionally? Of course they do from the start, they come from pure love after all, for God is pure love. It is the years ahead that will turn them away from that love if we do not do something different in our society. There has to be a change in what is sent out. Children learn from what they see, what is put before them on a daily basis. If they perceive hate, mistreatment of living things and the destruction of our Earth as normal, what hope do we have? I think adults should always be accountable to the children. They are always watching and learning from us. Not just in our homes. We cannot deny the garbage that is on television, video games and movies daily. Just an hour of news is frightening! So we humans, borrowers of the Earth, it is time to look at the eyes of the child before you. Look deep and ask yourself, is there light there? Is there promise of a better time? What they see in us is their PERCEPTION of the world…