Bye Bye🎅 Hello 🎆

This past week was actually pretty great! We made homemade gnocchi, canned spaghetti sauce, pickles and blackberry jam. We went to my parents for Christmas, watched a bunch of Christmas movies and totally enjoyed the time together. I think I can honestly say it was the best time we have had in a very long time. The only downside to the week is that Kurt had to head back to work and won’t be home for the New Year. The weather is gorgeous today and I feel refreshed and ready to tackle the 500 things on my to do list.. I hope every had a wonderful joy and love filled Holiday.. Now to face the New Year, I hope I can hold onto this feeling!

Wrapping presents today brought on a flood of tears for me. I was almost done wrapping when it occurred to me that I did not write Artie’s name on one tag. A major part of me wishes we could just go on about our day a not do the holiday at all. Just to curl up, watch movies and pretend it is just another day. But, it would still be another day without him wouldn’t it?Then to hear of the devastation in Mississippi, Arkansas and Tennessee it saddens me. I feel for the families and the communities that will be facing a tough time ahead. I can only send a silent prayer to them and hope they find some Peace. 

I love this photo because it says everything to me about how life should be in general not just the holidays. It is the simplest things that can bring a smile to your face. 
  

Christmas Eve

It is Christmas Eve here in our home. There are no stockings, no cookie houses, no Christmas Carols playing. Just a small tree with a few well thought out gifts this year. But, there is love and there has been laughter. Memories are being shared and family and loved ones being missed. With every moment I spend with these two men in my life I can’t help but be amazed at how blessed I am.

Making New Memories.. 

Today was great! We went to Pearland shopping, made a huge pot of homemade spaghetti sauce for canning, and Kurt and Wolfgang made gnocchi! Some days are better than others still, and this was most assuredly one of the good ones. More baking tomorrow and hopefully a few rounds of Skipbo. The Holidays will never be the same but we are making new memories and growing closer as a family.. I can’t help but see Arthur’s face with that amazing smile of his. I know he is glad that the pain is ebbing some for us. We still miss him and always will but, we are strong as a family and this is what we have always done.. Survive!! 

Gingerbread and memories

Five days until Christmas. I am feeling pretty good. I had a “Moment” yesterday and fell apart for a few minutes. The grand babies made gingerbread houses and when I saw the pictures I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. Arthur and Wolfgang, Uncle Bubbee and Uncle Boo to the grandkids, made gingerbread houses every year. Arthur took the most time on his. When they were tiny it was so cute to hear them discuss what it would be like to live in one of the creations. When Cadence, our first grand baby, came along, creating these works of art became challenging to say the least for the boys. She would pick them apart almost before the boys could get them done! When all of the kids lived close to home, the house was full during the Holidays. Lots of cooking, music and laughter. I miss it. It makes not having Artie here that much harder. But, the memories of 14 years of pure joy will forever be in my heart and on my mind. What a gift our memories are. How sad and empty life would be without them. 
This is our daughters post from Facebook. 

Cadence wanted to make gingerbread houses this year and I’m not going to lie, this was hard for me. It took me a few weeks of thought before I decided to let Cadence carry on the tradition. My little Bubee and Boo used to make gingerbread houses every Christmas. I remember how one year the boys had made some and Cadence, being only about 2 years old, thought it was a great idea to start eating the candies off of the houses. Boo cried because Cadence was tearing up his house and Bubee laughed his butt off which made Cadence pick off even more candies. Even though the memories can be hard to think about sometimes, I’m so thankful that I have them. 💚

  

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This is the little house our twin grand daughters did.. 😆

A Call From Heaven

I got a phone call from Artie last night. It was so good to hear his voice. He told me about the places he sees and how happy he is. I asked him when he would be coming home and he explained that he would like to stay where he is but, he would be there waiting for me when I arrive.

This was by far the most vivid dream I have had and I will cherish it forever, or until I meet up with him again on the shores of the beach he spoke of!  Thank you Artie!! Mom really needed this!! Love you more!!!

Today is a tough one..

With Christmas right around the corner, I am finding it hard to hold back tears. I miss my boy so much it is agonizing. I just keep reminding myself of all of the amazing time we did have together. Our family is wonderful,, always has been. It’s just that this will be not only our second Christmas without Artie but also our fist without some sort of plan. No grandbabies, no parties, and no real Christmas excitement.  No gingerbread houses being picked apart by little fingers..  I miss all of it, the anticipation of seeing the kids all open their gifts, playing outside after and of course all of the cooking! There will be none if that this year. I don’t know that there ever will be again.. That breaks my heart.

Even through this storm…

To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the  worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!

Before Dawn

In the still of the morning I lie awake listening for your voice.  I am overcome with pain once again.  I am always surprised when these moments hit me.  The fleeting second right when I wake up, and I feel like it was all a dream.  A horrible long nightmare.  Then, my brain kicks my heart all over again an I remember.  You are gone from this physical existence that I must endure. How many years will I have to live without you? How many times will it all run through my mind like a bad movie? How many times will I ask why?

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