Today I am grateful. Grateful that I have been blessed with the strength to not only survive this loss, but to move forward and heal. I could give in, easily. I could allow the grief to make me bitter, to take away my joy in life. But I refuse to do this. My son would not want that and I have such respect for him that I will not allow this to beat me. His choice was not meant to hurt me and I won’t dishonor him by letting it destroy me. And… with the knowing I have that he is still with me, I want him to see me flourish, not bring his vibration down with my sorrow..
When Arthur left us to continue his journey, I truly believed I would not survive. I could no longer feel my heart beat like it always had. Not the regular pumping blood beat but the beat only a moms heart does. When you hear your child say they love you. When they cry and you are the only one that can comfort them. Arthur was never a needy kid. He was independent his whole life. He could not wait each year to get even older so he could do more on his own. He thirsted for adventure and looked for it around every corner. But when he had something exciting to tell, he always came to me with it. What I would not give this morning to hear one of his stories today. This is where I find my strength. The knowing that when we are together again, he will have tons of adventures to share with me.. And my heart will again beat as it should.
So today was a total waste.. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. I read, meditated, finally got rid of my headache. Wolfgang and I cooked a nice lunch. He had a steak and asparagus. I had asparagus on Flatbread with garlic and balsamic vinegar. Oh and I baked a Cherry pie. I spent a lot of time talking to Artie today. I felt his presence very strongly. I guess he knew I was feeling crappy. I miss that boy. He always made everything okay, he still does. The memories help. Things pop into my mind that I have not thought of in a long time. I remember the first time we took the boys to the zoo. Wolfie was still pretty sick but Arthur loved it! He was more interested in the flowers and the trees though. I think he smelled every flower in the place. Our Zoo has a huge koi pond and he loved it! The fish are so used to people they just come right to you. He would just laugh and laugh at them. His laugh was musical even then. He so loved watching the little ones at the zoo when he got older too. We went many times with the grandkids over the years. Cherished times… It is the little moments that mean the most.
It is not about being able to love or have a family. I have know gay and lesbian couples in long relationships with amazing families. They didn’t need some law to achieve that. I am so happy for all of you. I am happy for our country and the planet.. Love is always a good thing and will always triumph over all adversities!!! Now go plan your weddings!!!
I was sitting at Sonny’s life celebration yesterday and I was thinking more about the people that were not there than those that were. Odd huh? When I was a kid, 14 actually I lost a cousin to a car accident. We did not spend a lot of time with this part of my moms family because we were military and traveled. The loss upset me for sure but it was not the kind of loss you hold onto ya know? From that point until I was in my mid 30’s, It was the only death in our family that had any affect on me at all. Then it was my grandfather. Again, it was a loss and I loved him but he was an old man and it was his time. Flash forward to the last 9 months. Of course there was the loss of my Arthur, devastating, agonizing, never ending pain with this loss. I will never heal from this one, but i will move forward. I can’t count on two hands how many others have gone in the last several months. I suppose I am just more aware of it now but geeze! Young or old, there are always people left behind to grieve. As we get older, death is certainly going to be more in the forefront of our minds. Our older relatives will be passing, our peers possibly will be going on to fulfill their final journeys. And we are left behind to mourn.. We mourn the loss of the physical person we loved. We mourn the loss of our youth that is but a fleeting memory and we are left to deal with the questions that inevitably come with death. Many will wonder if this life, the one we walk in now is all that there is. I am one of the lucky, I know that life never really ends and love never dies. Makes the rest of this journey of mine easier to follow..Peace and Love to each of you this day.. Pass it on….
Today my heart is heavy as we say goodbye to an amazing man. The passing of a loved one, no matter the age or relationship is never easy. But when it is a man that has truly taught you the meaning of unconditional love, not just for family but everyone in his life, it is even tougher. There is not a person that met him that did not love him and that he did not love right back! Knowing that those of us left behind, and the world as a whole is without another Angel here on Earth is sad.
On this journey of mine the last 9 months I have come to realize though, that our loved ones are never far away and they stay on to take care of us and to help guide us in our times of need. This is a comfort and I hope brings some Peace to his family as well..
I hurt today for my husband. I went through the same pain I know he is enduring today back in May. He is strong for me and Wolfgang. I know he dies a little everyday the same as I do, I see it in his eyes. There are no words to describe our love and relationship now. For me, I lost a son, part of my heart. For Kurt, his first born… We have held on tight to each other in this storm. I hope that make Arthur proud..
As the sun rises this summer morn, so does her pain. Another day when the reality of her loss is still as fresh as all those days ago. She is already thinking ahead to the night when she can slumber as the moon guards her heart. Her dreams have been kind to her, taking her away from this agony she is now forced to endure, most likely for the rest of her days..
I have the best support system anyone could ask for. My husband, our kids, my parents and my Best friend Sherry have been what has kept me together these last nine months. But, there are days, like today, that I feel totally and completely alone. Arthur was my constant. We learned together, played together, fought and loved each other completely. We loved listening to music and we loved being outside together. I saw my future in his eyes. For some reason, images of him as a toddler have been flashing in my head a lot the past few days. I had so much fun with him. His blonde curls and fat little face. He loved to be outside even then. He was our comic and kept us all in stitches! His love for Wolfgang when he came along was so heart warming. Arthur was his protector and they loved each other, even though they fought and it was hard to see it at times.. 🙂 From the moment I knew I was pregnant with him he was my savior. Even now that he has left this physical plane he keeps me in check. I am more aware of how I act, and treat people and I am better at thinking before I run my mouth. This is huge for me.. : ) I am grateful for ever second in this physical life that we had together. The lessons I have learned since that morning have been many. The most important being never waste a moment. The second, love is infinite! It never dies and our loved ones never truly leave us. I love you Artie..