Today I am grateful. Grateful that I have been blessed with the strength to not only survive this loss, but to move forward and heal. I could give in, easily. I could allow the grief to make me bitter, to take away my joy in life. But I refuse to do this. My son would not want that and I have such respect for him that I will not allow this to beat me. His choice was not meant to hurt me and I won’t dishonor him by letting it destroy me. And… with the knowing I have that he is still with me, I want him to see me flourish, not bring his vibration down with my sorrow..
The beating of my heart
When Arthur left us to continue his journey, I truly believed I would not survive. I could no longer feel my heart beat like it always had. Not the regular pumping blood beat but the beat only a moms heart does. When you hear your child say they love you. When they cry and you are the only one that can comfort them. Arthur was never a needy kid. He was independent his whole life. He could not wait each year to get even older so he could do more on his own. He thirsted for adventure and looked for it around every corner. But when he had something exciting to tell, he always came to me with it. What I would not give this morning to hear one of his stories today. This is where I find my strength. The knowing that when we are together again, he will have tons of adventures to share with me.. And my heart will again beat as it should.
So grateful for my memories..
So today was a total waste.. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. I read, meditated, finally got rid of my headache. Wolfgang and I cooked a nice lunch. He had a steak and asparagus. I had asparagus on Flatbread with garlic and balsamic vinegar. Oh and I baked a Cherry pie. I spent a lot of time talking to Artie today. I felt his presence very strongly. I guess he knew I was feeling crappy. I miss that boy. He always made everything okay, he still does. The memories help. Things pop into my mind that I have not thought of in a long time. I remember the first time we took the boys to the zoo. Wolfie was still pretty sick but Arthur loved it! He was more interested in the flowers and the trees though. I think he smelled every flower in the place. Our Zoo has a huge koi pond and he loved it! The fish are so used to people they just come right to you. He would just laugh and laugh at them. His laugh was musical even then. He so loved watching the little ones at the zoo when he got older too. We went many times with the grandkids over the years. Cherished times… It is the little moments that mean the most.
It is not about being able to love or have a family. I have know gay and lesbian couples in long relationships with amazing families. They didn’t need some law to achieve that. I am so happy for all of you. I am happy for our country and the planet.. Love is always a good thing and will always triumph over all adversities!!! Now go plan your weddings!!!
Those left behind…
I was sitting at Sonny’s life celebration yesterday and I was thinking more about the people that were not there than those that were. Odd huh? When I was a kid, 14 actually I lost a cousin to a car accident. We did not spend a lot of time with this part of my moms family because we were military and traveled. The loss upset me for sure but it was not the kind of loss you hold onto ya know? From that point until I was in my mid 30’s, It was the only death in our family that had any affect on me at all. Then it was my grandfather. Again, it was a loss and I loved him but he was an old man and it was his time. Flash forward to the last 9 months. Of course there was the loss of my Arthur, devastating, agonizing, never ending pain with this loss. I will never heal from this one, but i will move forward. I can’t count on two hands how many others have gone in the last several months. I suppose I am just more aware of it now but geeze! Young or old, there are always people left behind to grieve. As we get older, death is certainly going to be more in the forefront of our minds. Our older relatives will be passing, our peers possibly will be going on to fulfill their final journeys. And we are left behind to mourn.. We mourn the loss of the physical person we loved. We mourn the loss of our youth that is but a fleeting memory and we are left to deal with the questions that inevitably come with death. Many will wonder if this life, the one we walk in now is all that there is. I am one of the lucky, I know that life never really ends and love never dies. Makes the rest of this journey of mine easier to follow..Peace and Love to each of you this day.. Pass it on….