Here it is. A new year. For our family this means way more than just putting out new calendars. It means the beginning a new life. As I have said before, the life we had before Arthur left does not exist anymore. The best I personally can expect is to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I would like to just crawl into bed and get lost in my grief most days. But that would not Honor Arthur at all. His heart was so full of love and caring for people. My heart tells me the best way to show my love for him is to continue sharing love with others. Not just people we know. Strangers, others that are less fortunate, others that are lonely and feel there is no where to turn. And finally, moms. Every mom that has lost a child is feeling the loss the same today as the day it happened. Five years, ten or even twenty years from now I know I will still feel the loss just as much as I do at this moment. Each of us is feeling a different loss because each of our children brought different things to our hearts. It is hard to separate the feeling. I am hopeful for the new year. I am happy and grateful that I still have so many blessings. To all of you, moms like me, Happy New Year. I hope with all of my heart you find some peace this New Year and can still find hope in the blessing given you. To all of our angels watching over us, even though you are gone from this earth, be with us moms when you can. We will know you are here, next to us, guiding us in our darkest hours. Arthur, I can only hope you know how much I love you and how very proud I am of you. Happy New Year baby!
These kiddos have sufficiently worn me out. I do believe everyone has had a wonderful time though. Tomorrow we go to a New Year’s Eve variety show, then we will drive back to Kansas and on to Texas. I miss my dogs. Hoping they don’t think we have abandoned them. Miss Pearl is not away from me often and Izzy has had a tough time dealing with Arthur leaving. Animals mourn just like we do.
One more day left left in this year. I can’t say that I am sorry to see a new year although I really don’t see myself feeling to much better about my boy not being here. The changes will come, can’t change that. But the fact remains that I will still be without a part of myself. No matter how much I feel his presence around me I will miss my New Year hug. Arthur gave the best, most honest hugs.
Here are the pictures from today. Will post again tomorrow at midnight.
As the end of this year gets closer I am torn. I feel as though I am leaving an entire life behind. My world will be forever different. I had many moments today when I felt a closeness to Artie. We went to the Butterfly Palace. I was reminded how fragile life is, and often times too short. Like Butterflies we should make every moment count and leave behind beautiful memories for those who love us to cherish. I love you my son.. see you on the flipside.
I have been at odds with my belief system for many years. I always thought we were being mislead by organized religion. I still feel that way though I do have more of a sense of Spirit guidance now than before. My heart tells me there is a Source greater than ourselves. A higher power if you will. I am led to this more each night when I dream. My dreams are peaceful, like I am being told things will be okay. If it was not for the comfort I have been given through my dreams and the knowing I get that we are not alone I would have lost all hope for healing from my loss.
I have been keeping a dream journal since Arthur left us. The more I write what I remember each morning, it seems I recall more of the dream details. They are becoming more vivid each night. Some make absolutely no sense whatsoever and some make more sense as the day goes on. There are a few details that seem to come very vibrantly to me in each dream. I highlight these to keep track. The constant is this Source. You can call it God or whatever you like. But I know it is all around us. This Source has control and loves to see us happy. Along with the Source, our loved ones that have returned to Spirit are watching over us at all times. They are sending messages to us all of the time. We just have to open our hearts, our minds and our eyes to them. I read recently that there are no coincidences. Everything happens for some reason. So when we continue to see things that we did not notice in the past, why not take them as signs?