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What it is now. 

There will always be someone missing from our supper table, an empty seat in the car. Our hearts will always miss a beat and our smiles will forever be just shy of genuine. There is nothing we can do to ever be normal. We can’t bring you back and that will make our lives less than they could have been, forever. I hate it. Two years later and I think I have finally made the realization that this is it. Life is just what it is now, it will never change. Everyday will be waking up to what is missing, what could have been and what never will be. As dark as this sounds, it does not mean there won’t be happiness in our lives. We still have lots of love and so much to be grateful for. But, I have to come to terms with my life now. Building a new life is not going to happen, not really. We have been forced into this existence by no choice of our own. So, it is what it is. Moments of love, laughter and memories.. 

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No title for this… 

I love going back watching videos of you. You were so beautiful. I have one that I took almost 3 months to the day before you left. It is still so confusing to see you seemingly so happy. Your smile as bright as ever. These few weeks leading up to the anniversary of that morning are hardest for me. Remembering the laughter, music and fun that was going on in our home. I would give anything to have those days back. Maybe I could see what was coming. Change what was bothering you and make everything okay for you. But I can’t get those days back. They are gone forever, just as I fear is my true joy and happiness. How can a person  be truly happy when a part of them is missing?

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A day of cleansing

Grief is really strange. Yesterday I was a blubbering, useless blob. I could barely get out of bed let alone accomplish anything. I am grateful these days come less often as they did a year ago. I don’t know what brings these days, or moments on. I wasn’t feeling any of the heaviness the night before. I did not fall asleep sad or upset. But as soon as I opened my eyes yesterday morning, the tears began. Today, I feel rested and like I am back to my old  (new) self. The self I have become since Arthurs death. It really is crazy. Maybe our bodies know holding on, being strong and not falling apart is only good for short periods of time. Then we need to crumble. Cleanse our Souls and wash things away so we can see a little more clearly the things we still have to be grateful for. This I know for sure. These past two years you have all been so supportive and understanding. Even when I am sure it seemed I was going completely bonkers, you have been there to listen and share kind words and love. I am and will always be forever grateful! 

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Missing you always

As always, you are on my mind this morning. I still find it hard to grasp at times. Even after 2 years I still find myself waiting for you to walk through the back gate, or come up the road on your bike. I still ache sometimes. Tears still fall uncontrollably some days, like today. You were a light in this dark world Artie. I love you and miss you you always.. 

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The two of them

Robin Williams left this earth 2 years ago today. What a loss to the entire world. A world of people that loved and respected him. A world that had no idea he was suffering so. This begins my countdown, just as it did last year. 35 days from now will mark the 2nd anniversary of Arthur’s death.  I remember talking with him at length about Mr. Williams’ death. It was as if we had lost a family member of sorts. 

 I had no idea what was ahead just a little over a month later. Funny how similar they were. Robin Williams made us laugh and feel good for decades. Arthur did the same for all who knew him for just short time. Both will always be missed.