I was thinking how great it would be just to have that one day back. The last day you were here with us physically. What would I do different? I would have crawled on your bed next to you, like I had done a thousand times before, and listened to music, talked more about how you were feeling, what was going on in your head. We would have discussed more about the colors you wanted to paint your car, and what you wanted to do in life. We would have watched music videos or maybe you would have played yet another song you learned on the guitar. I would have breathed in your scent, studied every aspect of your face. I would have told you again how awesome your hair looked longer. If I could have just that day, I would tell you how proud I am of you, how incredibly lucky I am to be your mom, and even luckier to have you as my friend. I miss you this beautiful Sunday morning, I would give anything if you were here with me, even if it was just for a day.
I do try not to hold negative or resentful thoughts and feelings. I face each day with as much positively as I can muster. But, I have moments where I still am very angry. Angry that my son, a loving, caring, respectful and honest young man was taken from this earth so young. When I see young men that are rude, have no respect for their mothers let alone other women it makes me question everything. When I see the people that caused Artie so much pain, the ones that turned his life upside down, going on with life as if nothing has changed, I am furious. I want nothing more than to never feel hatred in my heart because Arthur loved and respected everyone. But some days it feels like the hatred is eating me alive. I feel it consuming me. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, I just wonder if they ever think about what they did. I live with guilt and regret every day of my life. How can they not? When they drop to their knees and thank God for their blessings, do they think of what we have lost? I do realize Arthur made the decision to end his life on he own. He takes responsibility for that. But I can’t help but wonder if these people had never come into our lives, would he still be here? They ruined his view of what he thought people were. The very people he loved and trusted turned on him and he never recovered from that. Please forgive me for this rant. It is my only release and it’s this or screaming and sometimes I am afraid if I start, I will never stop…
In 5 hours, 16 years ago I gave birth to a bubbly, happy baby boy. He fought coming into this world and almost left a few short hours later. But, he knew we needed him and stayed with us for 14 wonderful years. He brought joy to all who knew him. He was honest, caring and full of life. He never had a day where he wasn’t smiling, laughing and most likely talking. Never did a moment pass that he was not looking out for someone. My heart knows he is always with us, but it will never be the same as a hug from him. So, here we are, the second birthday without a song, another year not watching him open gifts. He was always so grateful for everything he was given. My heart will always be broken without him.
This is his last birthday here on Earth..
You know how Facebook gives you memories from this day for a few years back? One of mine was a statement I made about how Artie was about to turn 14 and I felt time was slipping away. Little did I know, he would leave this earth 7 months later. At 14.. His life was so full of promise. His light was and still is a beacon to everyone that knows him. My boy, my heart, my hope for a better future. I love you Arthur Robert Aldag!
This has been a very trying week. There have been some serious health issues, some real soul searching and some decisions made. You can plan your life, you can have everything planned out for the next several years or even the rest of your life. Then you wake up and all of a sudden, not one of those plans is even remotely reachable. We always thought we would be surrounded by our children and grandchildren until we left this earth. Big family gatherings, holidays and birthdays. It was never even considered that it would someday not be this way. But here we are. All of our grandbabies are far away and we will not have the daily connection we would like to have. This is harder to accept now that we know just how fast time goes and how terribly quickly things can change. Such is life I suppose. It just shows that we really can’t plan things too far ahead. Taking life one day at a time is simpler, less stressful and sorta takes the possibility of disappointment out of the mix. This is how I will live from now on. Day by day, moment by moment. I will cherish the joys, respect the lessons and bid farewell to the losses. I will laugh loudly, love deeply and spread as much Peace as I can. Above all, I will be grateful for the life I have been given and for those who choose to share it with me…
Life does not come with a “How To” guide. There is no owners manual tucked in with our babies when we bring them home. And we sure as hell aren’t given the secret formula on how to fix a broken heart.
Sure, we usually get over the time our “One true love” totally ruined our lives in like 5th grade. We most likely survive that kind of upset to our hearts a few times in our youth.
But, how do we fix a real broken heart? The kind that is felt physically, deep into to our Soul, the kind that changes our lives forever. Can we mend it? Is there truly a fix? In my situation, I go back and forth on that. I wish I had never been giving the knowledge of what it feels like. I want somedays, nothing else but to wake up and find it has all been a bad dream. My heart cries out to God at times asking what the purpose is. Surely there is a reason right? My truth is that there have been many lessons on this path.
Love strong! Not with just a piece of yourself, but all of you. Do not love just the people and things that serve you. We are all beings of the same light, the same God source. In giving love you will receive it!
Forgive, we cannot carry resentment and anger for things we can’t change. This will eat you from the inside out! This forgiveness should start with yourself! (Remember… “No How To” guide..) Every mistake or misstep is a lesson. Use them as such.
Breath… It is our life force. We can not continue anything without our breath. Long, slow deep breathes ground us and connect us to the source. The breaths that are hard to catch are the ones that make the best memories. The intimate moments with the one we love, when our babies are placed in our arms for the first time and when your babies give you grandchildren, just to name a few.. I hope many more come to your mind. (Write them down) 😊
I could go on and on about my lessons from this broken heart I carry within my chest. Each of them have made me a better person. I have shared my broken heart with all of you for almost 2 years now. I feel we have become friends and I have felt your love and caring throughout my journey. Today, this Valentines Day, I want you to know that ALL of you have been a huge part in the process of healing for me on the road to mending my broken heart!