As silly as it seems, Olive Garden for the the first time without Artie was tough. I know exactly what he would have ordered, chicken marsala and a rootbeer. It didn’t really hit me until we were home and I grabbed the bottle of dressing we got out of the car. Arthur cooked the best steaks ever! He would marinade them in the dressing and they were always so tender and full of flavor. Just another reminder that the simple things, the things we take for granted are the very things we will miss when they are gone.
I miss you my boy. You are always here with me but I still miss your face.. I love you!
How I love Spring!
Spring has definitely arrived in South Texas. I am not sure we have ever had so many birds and squirrels in our yard in all the years we have lived here. Blue blue skies and green grass has been such a welcome thing for this broken heart of mine. I so enjoy having coffee outside with the critters in the mornings. The little girl in me likes to think they all wait for me to come out each day..š When I get myself settled on the swing and relax I swear they all get as close as they dare to see what I am doing. It is as if they are just as curious about me as I am them. Watching all of the birds I wonder if one of them is the little guy Artie and I scooped out of the pool summer before last. We put him in a cat kennel, š and kept him in the garage for a day or two then set him free. Arthur was so proud of that. It was as if you could tell the little bird was so grateful. He hung around the back for a few days and eventually went on about his way. I like to imagine that he or she has their little family here now. Spring is a time of new beginnings, fresh starts and new life. For myself and our family, it is all of the above.
Blessings and My Garden
I got a full day of yard work in today. The garden is starting to look less like a jungle now.
Working out there was tough today. I miss Artie so much. Around 4:00 I was working and had a flash of him walking through the back gate saying ” hey mom, whatcha doin” and I would ask him how his walk was and we’d sit on the swing for a while and talk. This was pretty much an everyday occurrence when the weather was good. How I wish I could stop feeling like this. As much as much as I want to keep it together, some days it’sĀ just harder. . I keep telling my self that once we get to the year mark it will get better. We will have made it through all of the “firsts” without him.Ā All of the birthdays, the holidays, the first garden, Spring and Summer. I pray that I will not fall apart everyday. I pray that I will sleep every night. I pray for God to stop this pain, but I know it will never stop. I will continue to cry my silent tears for the rest of my life because part of my life is gone.Ā The only thing that keeps me from giving in to the horror of this is that I have always believed in counting your blessings. Always, and by the the grace of God I have many.
Crazy Dreams
As I lay here recalling pieces of yet another puzzling dream, I can’t help but wonder if there are messages in them or if I’m just really messed up.
We are out shopping for clothes for a friend’s son, but the son is actually the friend… yeah I know right? We talked about what size clothes Artie wore in comparison, which the size I said was not actually his size. It’s dreams like this that make me really wonder about my sanity.. š
In another portion of said dream, other friends were moving from their apartment one second then we are all sitting in the courtyard watching a video of 2 boat oars being tossed around in the waves of the ocean.
So, as always, I will write this
down in my dream journal and maybe the meanings will become clear soon. If anyone sees oars in the waves, shoot me a message.
Arthur’s Voice is official!!
Life review
I have read several books since Artie left. I follow several blogs, I’ve read articles and papers written on Spriritual issues, what happens when we die and several things on the different religious views. One thing that I found most interesting is that many people believe when we leave the Earth, we have a life review period. A time where you see your entire life for what it truly was. I wonder if that’s why people that have had near death experiences often say ” my life passed before my eyes”? Anyway, I have had this on my mind a good bit and because of that I realized that I have relieved my entire life since Arthur left. It started with remembering every word spoken between he and I. Then I began going backwards with memories, until eventually I was at my earliest memory. It’s been quite enlightening honestly. I have done some pretty stupid things, hurt some people along the way and yes, there are things I regret. Not that I would change any of it. Regret is just acknowledgement that some mistakes were made. The thing is, if I had not been down these roads, whether they were roads of my choosing or not, I would not be who I am right this moment. I would not have known love like I have been blessed to have known. The people that have come and gone would not be in my heart and in my memories. If I had to pick one thing I would do different, one thing that would have brought me more peace I think, it would be to have been more of who I knew I always was. Not the person I thought was expected of me.
I think so many young people now aren’t uncomfortable with their true selves because we have put such emphasis on labels in our society. We are not created in factories where we are quality checked and expected to be one like the other. We are gifts, each in his or her own light and the Creator is pleased and loves each of us for that light. Is it not a shame that so many lights are dimmed to rest of the world for fear of being put out all together? We tend to put out light because it shines to brightly for our liking… So to you young wonderful beings, shine bright, if the light bothers anyone around you, hand them sunglasses and keep on shining!!!!
Life Without Arthur 