Olive Garden and Artie’s steaks.

As silly as it seems, Olive Garden for the the first time without Artie was tough. I know exactly what he would have ordered, chicken marsala and a rootbeer.  It didn’t really hit me until we were home and I grabbed the bottle of dressing we got out of the car. Arthur cooked the best steaks ever! He would marinade them in the dressing and they were always so tender and full of flavor. Just another reminder that the simple things, the things we take for granted are the very things we will miss when they are gone.
I miss you my boy. You are always here with me but I still miss your face.. I love you!

How I love Spring!

Spring has definitely arrived in South Texas. I am not sure we have ever had so many birds and squirrels in our yard in all the years we have lived here. Blue blue skies and green grass has been such a welcome thing for this broken heart of mine. I so enjoy having coffee outside with the critters in the mornings. The little girl in me likes to think they all wait for me to come out each day..😊  When I get myself settled on the swing and relax I swear they all get as close as they dare to see what I am doing.  It is as if they are just as curious about me as I am them. Watching all of the birds I wonder if one of them is the little guy Artie and I scooped out of the pool summer before last. We put him in a cat kennel, 😁 and kept him in the garage for a day or two then set him free. Arthur was so proud of that. It was as if you could tell the little bird was so grateful. He hung around the back for a few days and eventually went on about his way. I like to imagine that he or she has their little family here now. Spring is a time of new beginnings, fresh starts and new life. For myself and our family, it is all of the above. 

Blessings and My Garden

blonde squirellOasisRedonwhiteCardinalbuddyI got a full day of yard work in today. The garden is starting to look less like a jungle now.
Working out there was tough today. I miss Artie so much. Around 4:00 I was working and had a flash of him walking through the back gate saying ” hey mom, whatcha doin” and I would ask him how his walk was and we’d sit on the swing for a while and talk. This was pretty much an everyday occurrence when the weather was good. How I wish I could stop feeling like this. As much as much as I want to keep it together, some days it’s  just harder. . I keep telling my self that once we get to the year mark it will get better. We will have made it through all of the “firsts” without him.  All of the birthdays, the holidays, the first garden, Spring and Summer. I pray that I will not fall apart everyday. I pray that I will sleep every night. I pray for God to stop this pain, but I know it will never stop. I will continue to cry my silent tears for the rest of my life because part of my life is gone.  The only thing that keeps me from giving in to the horror of this is that I have always believed in counting your blessings. Always, and by the the grace of God I have many.

Crazy Dreams

As I lay here recalling pieces of yet another puzzling dream, I can’t help but wonder if there are messages in them or if I’m just really messed up. 

We are out shopping for clothes for a friend’s son, but the son is actually the friend… yeah I know right? We talked about what size clothes Artie wore in comparison, which the size I said was not actually his size.   It’s dreams like this that make me really wonder about my sanity..  🙂

In another portion of said dream, other friends were moving from their apartment one second then we are all sitting in the courtyard watching a video of 2 boat oars being tossed around in the waves of the ocean. 
So, as always, I will write this

down in my dream journal and maybe the meanings will become clear soon.  If anyone sees oars in the waves, shoot me a  message.

  

Arthur’s Voice is official!!

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Life review

I have read several books since Artie left. I follow several blogs, I’ve read articles and papers written on Spriritual issues, what happens when we die and several things on the different religious views.  One thing that I found most interesting is that many people believe when we leave the Earth, we have a life review period. A time where you see your entire life for what it truly was. I wonder if that’s why people that have had near death experiences often say ” my life passed before my eyes”? Anyway, I have had this on my mind a good bit and because of that I realized that I have relieved my entire life since Arthur left. It started with remembering every word spoken between he and I. Then I began going backwards with memories, until eventually I was at my earliest memory.  It’s been quite enlightening honestly. I have done some pretty stupid things, hurt some people along the way and yes, there are things I regret. Not that I would change any of it. Regret is just acknowledgement that some mistakes were made. The thing is, if I had not been down these roads, whether they were roads of my choosing or not, I would not be who I am right this moment. I would not have known love like I have been blessed to have known. The people that have come and gone would not be in my heart and in my memories. If I had to pick one thing I would do different, one thing that would have brought me more peace I think, it would be to have been more of who I knew I always was. Not the person I thought was expected of me. 

I think so many young people now aren’t uncomfortable with their true selves because we have put such emphasis on labels in our society. We are not created in factories where we are quality checked and expected to be one like the other. We are gifts, each in his or her own light and the Creator is pleased and loves each of us for that light. Is it not a shame that so many lights are dimmed to rest of the world for fear of being put out all together? We tend to put out light because it shines to brightly for our liking… So to you young wonderful beings, shine bright, if the light bothers anyone around you, hand them sunglasses and keep on shining!!!!

  

The Warrior Prince

And among the Gods sits a Warrior Prince. He watches as those he loves mourn his passing. Oh if they could only bear witness to the lands on which he now dwells. The grass is always green, the skies forever blue and the breeze blows just slightly with the scent of jasmine at all times. His castle is more grand than all of the castles in all of the world he left behind. It is a freedom like no other for the young Prince. No battles to be fought, not wounds to heal, and all of his questions have been answered. Those who need him can be watched over and guided from where he stands now even though they cannot see him. His pride is great for those that carry on, and he walks beside them still. He wraps his arms around his mother when she cries out for him at night, and strolls with her in their garden. The younger brother he has always guarded is still within his sight and he sits with his father on the long quiet nights when sleep eludes him.  He runs the fields with his shield brothers as they go into battle, and prays they can feel his presence and faintly hear his laughter. And above all , this Warrior, the one they call Aurturus Skywalker, knows the love that lives on for him and the legacy he left behind..

http://amtwiki.net/amtwiki/index.php/Aurturis_Skywalker

Fruits and veggies…

My thoughts get so lost sometimes. I wonder what Artie would be doing today. Would he be playing his guitar, or maybe the piano? I miss the sounds that used to come from his room. Every moment of every day I miss him. Today is no different, except for another first…..

I have been a member of a produce co-op for some time now. It was one of the things Arthur always went with me to do. Truth be know , it was mostly for his muscle. 🙂 The kid was exceptionally strong for his age and large baskets of fruits and veggies tend to get a little heavy. We always had fun seeing what was in the basket each time, there was always something a little different.  Anyway, I have not ordered since he left. Today is a delivery and I placed my order. I have been sitting here, all morning, trying to make myself put my baskets in the car and go pick up our stuff. I have spoken before about the many firsts that we will have after the loss of a child. But it’s the simplistic ones that hurt the most.

Back to the daily grind..

The weather is finally wonderful! My headache is gone and I feel human. The garden, squirrels and birds beckon me to come outside. But alas, the ground is still too wet to work. I did go out for a bit and just took in the air and sounds. So healing is nature. The wildflowers are everywhere.It looks like the yellow brick road!!  Most important, the Wisteria Arthur planted for me is in full bloom.. I will treasure that beauty forever. He is everywhere out on the property. You cannot look at anything and it not have been touched by him at some point. He was always happier being outside. Mowing, planting, swimming, walking Izzy, he loved it all. If I close my eyes, I can feel him with me, hear him talking a mile a minute about anything and everything.. I miss him…

I tread heavily through my life… 

Signs of Arthur’s presence have be very few recently. Or we have just been so busy they are being missed. I did have a dream last night that was odd. We were here at our house, and there were three boys getting ready for bed. We were trying to decide where each of them was going to sleep. I never saw any of their faces.  I assumed it was Arthur, Wolfgang and their best friend Bailey. It left me feeling anxious  and incredibly sad when I woke up for some reason. Maybe this explains my mood and heavy feelings today. I keep trying to tell my self there will come a day when this will all be easier. I want to be a comfort for other families and say that the pain will lessen.  But I can’t honestly tell them that.

 I heard of three teenage girls in Mount Pleasant that were killed yesterday in an auto accident. I am not sure if Arthur knew them, but he went to Summer Camp up there and I know they have mutual friends.  I ache for the families, especially the moms. Not that other family members pain is less but, I understand what lies ahead for these moms.  My hearts is and always will be in pieces. It will never mend completely and there will always be a large part with Artie in Spirit. So today I will ask for some peace for these families, even though I know they may not find it for some time, if ever.  Peace is never near when the pieces of your heart are scattered. 

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