I can go days, even weeks and yes months without a breakdown! I am happy and there is laughter in the house.. But last night out of the blue I broke! I am not sure if I was dreaming of Arthur or what brought it on but I awoke with the same feelings as that morning. That morning that my life changed forever, the moment I gained a broken heart for the rest of my life! It is still not real. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I will never hug that kid again. I will go the rest of my life not knowing what kind of man he would be. I feel old and defeated. How am I to find courage and continue without his support and never ending love? Arthur would say just the right thing in every situation.
I wish he could tell me what the hell I am supposed to do without him…
As I sit here in the hotel room and think back on memories of Jen, I am once again reminded of how important family is! I remember this bigger than life little girl trying so hard to be everything to everyone. So full of love for her family and destined for greatness! Flash forward to almost two years ago. Her greatness came when she became a mom. JR is the spitting image of his mother. Eyes that shine with life and the very essence of love! To hear him laugh is pure joy! I have learned that love is eternal and I believe with my entire being that Jen will always be right by her son’s side. Having known and loved this young woman is a great blessing. So many will always remember her and live better lives because of her. See you on the flip side Jen! You and Artie stay in touch!
I miss you every moment even now… I long for a hug and a flash of that smile so much. Even though I feel my healing has come along way, I must admit that over time, I miss you more. I would love to have a glimpse of you, as the man you would have been. Would it make any of this easier, if I could only see your face for but a moment?
Some days it is hard to convince my Brain that what my heart knows is truth!
Just before the Earth is kissed with light
Before the World awakes
I pray to those who guard me
My Fear for them to take
The fear of going on again
On this another day
Without you here to hold my hand
And take away my pain