We never really expect to lose those we love. When we are children it never crosses our minds that there will come a day when our parents will end their journey here on Earth. But, it happens, it is inevitable. Along our lives path we may lose other loved ones. Our favorite Aunt or Cousin, the Mailman that has delivered your cherished packages for years may pass. Old class mates, teachers and neighbors may go on ahead on their path. All of these losses are hard to accept, even shocking at times.
Then there is child loss. It is all of the things you feel with any loss. Shock, pain, disbelief. You don’t believe it’s true, you wait for someone to come to you and say it is all a terrible mistake and your beloved child is fine. Your world will stop. Literally and completely just stop. There are sounds, but for a short time they are muffled. I remember thinking it was like the Charlie Brown cartoons. When his teacher would speak, you knew she was saying something but it was just garbled words. That’s how the world is the first several weeks after your child is gone. No matter how hard you listen, no matter how much you want to understand, it is just jumbled words that make no sense to you.
Slowly as time passes, things begin to become clear. You know the reality of the situation. You understand your child is not going to come back through the door. But still, you wait. Watching the door, the skies, and listening for the sound of their sweet voice. Longing for just a glimps of their face, perhaps in a dream.
I truly believe we have the feeling of waiting because our Soul knows it is just a matter of time before we will be reunited with our children. There is no true separation of Mother and child. Our children are part of us, our Souls connected just as we are connected to God. Those that go before us, those we love are always just a whisper away really. They still share in our joys and our sorrows. They come to comfort us in our times of need. They never leave us, they simply stand by us and wait for the time when we are at the end of our journey here and are there to welcome us home!
I really do love the “Memories” thing that comes up on my Facebook every morning. It reminds me that sometimes even the darkest times can have silver linings. Today it showed a memory from 2013 when I commented that my life was perfect. It really was. I had everything I could have ever wanted. My children were all happy and healthy, we had 4 amazing grand babies to spoil and my marriage was rock solid!
Then it hit me. My life is still exactly like this. My family is close, we would do anything for each other. I have a handful of friends that are a part of this circle I call family as well. We are all happy, healthy and as close as ever. The only difference is Artie is watching over us in Spirit instead of physically being with us. I am positive he is smiling and thrilled that our Lilly and her family are back home where they belong.
Adventures are once again being planned, the Holidays will be amazing this year and I am already planning the Spring garden! Life is a journey. You just have to stay on the path with all of its turns and bumps. When the road turns dark, keep moving forward and you will again reach the light of a new day!
Peace, love and blessings my friends!
Dreams can so healing. Last night I spent several hours with Artie. He was little, around 5 or 6 I guess. We played and took walks, all the while with him holding my hand. We went through his toys for some reason, as if taking inventory. His smile was still just and warm and living as always. I can still feel his little hand in mine!
It is these moments, when I find myself awake in the middle of the night that are the worst. Knowing you are no longer in this house with us is agonizing even now. It is crazy that sometimes I almost forget. Like for a brief second everything is normal and then my world comes crashing down around me all over again. It is so quiet in these early hours. I can’t wait for the day to get started and for the noise to silence the screaming in my head.
I muddle through my days. Even though I feel I have healed greatly from my grief, there are still these moments when I just want to scream! I still can’t wrap my mind around it sometimes. I often still have this glimmer of hope that it is all just a long drawn out nightmare and soon I will awaken. If only this were true. He is really gone. His face will never light up a room again and I will never be the same.