It is the nights that are hardest. The fear of nightmares keep me awake. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. It is as if I have this entirely different person inside of me. She controls my thoughts completely. Not really my emotions as I don’t have many of those anymore. Someone not even I am familiar with. How  are the people in my life supposed to recognize her? I wish she would just go away.

Losing a child changes your life.

It is not just about Arthur not being here. It is everything about life that is different. I thought about this a lot today. 

5 years ago, there was a house full of people here. Kids and adults. There was laughter, food, adult beverages, music and of course fireworks. I never for a moment thought that holidays were ever going to change. But they are forever different for us. We are here at home, watching television and waiting on Wolfie to get home from work. I am grateful for these two guys in my life. They get it. We three are all feeling the same tonight. Enjoy your families tonight. Keep them safe, hug them and tell them you love them. It could all be different tomorrow. 

Peace.. 💜