Always with us!

Crazy night of dreams! I won’t go into all of them, way too many. But I want to share one. We were in an apartment. I was on the patio feeding a dog, and I could hear music coming from inside. Loud music. Wolfgang was sleeping on the couch and there were other people moving about. The music I figured out was coming from the kitchen. Arthur was in there cooking. He loved to cook. I never saw him, I just knew he was there. I smiled in my dream and went back to the patio. Then I heard Wolfgang call to Artie and ask him to turn the music down a bit. Just like old times. 😊 Good reminder that when our loved ones return to Spirit, they are still with us, even when we can’t see them! 

 

My weekend in Denver

A year ago this weekend I went to Denver for an Enlightenment weekend. I met an amazing group of people, all of which I will remember forever. It was truly a life changing weekend. We came from all over and each of us had our own reasons for being there. I took away so much from that time. A clearer understanding of myself, a closer relationship to our creator and lifelong friendships. The women that I bonded with there are some of the strongest I have ever met. I love them as family. This past year they have been my inspirations and support. Corrina, I love you and will forever be grateful you turned to speak to me that day! Kari, you always keep me laughing and your vigor for life is astounding. Elisa, from you I have learned what true strength is and that our relationships with those that have passed continues.. Ula, I can only bow to your grace and beauty. I have not mentioned you all by name but know you are thought of and prayed for daily..  Love and Light to you all!!

A simple moment in a dream.

I go to sleep every night hoping Artie will visit me in a dream. Last night he was there. It was simple. He was there smiling that smile at me and that was it. No conversation, just his presence. It was all I needed to wake up feeling renewed today.

It takes me back.

When I hear about another child lost to suicide it takes me back. Back to that second when my life ended basically with Arthur’s. Nineteen months ago. Almost two years. Never would I have imagined surviving such horror for a moment let alone this long. There are still times when it does not seem real. I can still be out in the garden expecting him to come through the back gate after a run. What joy that kid brought to me! I find my strength in my family, Kurt and Wolfgang have been my rocks. My friends that have supported us have been such blessings.  And all of you that have sent love and friendship everyday and tolerated my insane ups and downs. I forget how far I have come at times. My hope is that this mom, this newly grieving, dying inside mom will find the strength to move forward one tiny step at a time. Please send warm thoughts to her as you have done for me.. Her baby was thirteen and from the little I know, he was also bullied by an adult in his life. 

What it is like.. 

What is it like to lose a child? I always used to say that I could never imagine it. Now I don’t have to, I live it everyday. If I had to try and make someone understand I would say this. One day you see everything in color. Bright, vivid, in your face color. Then, in a split second you lose that. All of your world, and everything in it, is now in black and white. The days are either good or bad. No in between, no middle, just up or down. 

And so it goes..

The loss of a loved one can have life changing affects on the entire family, even the community. When it is a child, the family is surely devistated. For the mom of this child it is beyond devistation. It goes way above any horror she could ever imagine. Not only has mom lost her child, a being born from her womb but she loses herself. Life stops at that moment for this woman. It has been her job to care for this child, love and protect him. Keep him from harm at all cost, even risking her own safety and well being. Healing begins eventually. She will live a new existence, not sure if it could be considered living yet. The days will pass, laundry,  dishes, cooking and the gardening will continue. There will even be laughter and happy moments. The sun will rise and set.. Then at night, when she lies her head on her pillow, the tears will fall, and she will be ever so grateful that one more night has passed. One more day closer to the time she will see her beloved son again. This is not the future she planned for herself.

A Mother’s Pride

Last September there was an question regarding the results of Wolfgangs echicardiagram.  We decided to wait 6 months and see if the problem resolved itself. Today he went in for another echo and a stress test. I lost sleep rhe last few nights from worry. Both tests were perfect! So proud of this kid! The stress test is difficult for him, but he gave it everything he had and did amazing. Watching him made me just love and respect him more than ever. This young man has been through more in his 14 years than most see in a lifetime.

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Happy Birthday to Me

The weather is going to be perfect on this the start of my 52nd year. I am going to take that as a sign of luck. A gift from the Universe. I am also going to make this my “New Year”.  I feel like I have to move forward a little more than I have. Time to get off this merry-go-round. I have been consistently getting rid of the clutter in my life. Feels good to see the progress I am making in this area. I have let things just pile up for years and since Arthur’s death it has only gotten worse. Holding on to “things” has always been a huge issue with me. I don’t even have sentimental attachment to some of this crap I keep moving from spot to spot to make room for more unnecessary junk. Maybe I lived through the depression in another incarnation. 😬. There are moments I actually imagine myself as the old woman with dozens of cats living under piles and piles of junk. Like one of those woman on borders! That’s is not how I want to spend my old age.  I want to make and hold onto memories, not stuff.  

So Happy Bithday to me, and Love, Peace, and Joy to all of you! 

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Tomorrow will be my second birthday without Arthur. It surprises me at times, the days that bother me most. Birthdays seem to be the toughest. We always did big birthdays. They were celebrated more that Christmas usually. Trips, Fireworks the whole thing. I remember vividly the first birthday I had with Artie after he was born. He was just 6 weeks old and he and I flew to Texas from Alabama to spend time with Kurt. He was working here at the time. We took Artie to Hooters
for lunch. The girls working there took him from me as soon as we walked in! It was so sweet how they just passed him around. It was the first meal I got to eat hot in 6 weeks. 😊 Arthur’s entire life was like that. Everyone was instantly in love with his light. He was so very special.

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