The Bridge to Peace..

Well, I made it through another first. I hate that there is a running tally in my mind for this crap. I keep telling myself that once I can get to the one year mark this will get easier. No more firsts, I will have had them all by then. 
I did have a good time with my oldest son and his family. Twin two year olds can certainly take your mind off of things for a time. Plus, they wore this Mimi out and I slept quite well last night.
On the drive home, Wolfgang fast asleep in the passenger seat, I did a lot of thinking. Ran many memories of Arthur’s life like movies playing in my mind. He was such a happy baby.  He came into this world like a whirlwind. His presence was know by everyone right away. Shortly after he arrived he aspirated on breast milk of all things. The baby I had waited for so long died in my arms. I remember nurses running in, grabbing him from me and I heard the Code Blue call. I don’t remember much after that. But I do remember telling him not to leave. I told him that we needed him to live, he had to fight for us because  we  had all waited so long for him to come into our family. I begged him not to leave me.. He was flown by helicopter to Huntsville, Alabama to the NICU there.  By the time I got to the hospital, he was doing very well. Holding his little head up looking around the unit. I knew then, he would be okay. And he was. Arthur stayed because I needed him to. He stayed almost 15 years here because I needed him. He fought a hidden fight that eventually he could no longer win. I will be forever grateful to him for staying with me. As much as I miss him, I think I finally see that it was better for him to go now than to stay and continue fighting his own mind, just because we needed him here. I know that he would never do anything to deliberately hurt any of us. That is why I know he was not clear that morning. He was just done with the pain that none of us knew was there. I have asked myself a thousand times why he did not talk to me. I believe he saw the path to cross the bridge to peace and he took it that morning. I think maybe he had been at that path once before and turned around because I begged him not to leave me. This time, I didn’t know he was there. 

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  1. Strange how when its quite our minds go to auto (think) and all the memories roll like a mini movie. I hope you had a great time with the twins even if they did ware Mimi out. It was nice that you could spend some time with Shane also.

    Now you have to get ready to go to the convention, I know you are looking forward to that. I am sure it will be a great experience.

    I Love You

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