It’s a warm summer evening as she climbs the steps of the tower, she carries with her a small cage. . When she reaches her destination the warm breeze wraps around her, like a lover comforting and calming her. As she looks out over the Kingdom she knows she has made the right decision. It is time. She speaks to the bird in the cage. Telling him it is time for him to move on. He has served his purpose here. The lessons taught by him will be remembered always. She pauses a moment and with shaking hands opens the cage to set him free. The bird looks out into the evening sky with confusion and excitment. Freedom awaits, his and hers and he takes flight after a moment. The woman watches as he circles, not sure if he should leave her, is she truly ready for him to go? She is certain he will fly by on occasion when she least expects it. The bird circles once more and she calls out to him, “I free myself of you, I am letting you go so that we might both survive” Fly away now, fly far and please do not visit my home or heart ever again, and she watches him disappear into the night. She lingers a moment before turning to go, leaving behind the bird she called Grief…
As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. Okay so when I really young, and still mostly boy, I wanted to be a truck driver. Things change. . I remember my first real babysitting job was when I was 13. The couple had an infant. Im talking maybe 6 weeks old. I can still remember being totally blown away as to how dependent that little tiny human was on everyone. I had not really been around too many babies up until then. Subsequently, I discovered boys the same year.
When I became pregnant with my first son, Shane, I was elated and terrified at the same time. I thought it was crazy, I wanted this baby so much but what if I had him and then realized parenthood was not for me? This thought was in my mind constantly until I felt him move for the first time. And I knew. I was a mom even before he was ever born. I could not imagine ever loving any human as much as I already loved this little person inside of me. Fourteen months later, Shalynn was born. This was not a pregnancy that was planned at all. (She is totally aware, so it’s all good) But, the moment I felt that first flutter of life, it was love! I knew then, I wanted a house full of them. The universe had other plans though. It would be 14 years later before I would have another child. Arthur was born when I was 36 years old. The thing I remember most about the pregnancy was how much that kid moved. It never stopped. All day, all night he kicked and rolled nonstop. The whole time, until the day my water broke…. Then he decided he wasn’t moving for anything. He liked where he was and he wasn’t budging. It was a long labor, but when I saw his face, I knew he would change my life. And he did! Arthur was my fountain of youth! We played together, gardener together, cried, laughed and fought together. It was amazing being his mom.. When Artie was almost two, Wolfie came along. The pregnancy was different from any of my other three. I knew something was off from the moment we found out I was pregnant. Mother’s intuition I suppose, or maybe my angels were preparing me. When he finally made his appearance, I knew he would be my last. I was 38 after all. Wolfgang was and is the strongest person I have ever known. He went through so much as a baby. But he held his own and made me realize what a gift life is and how you have to fight for it sometimes. It is not always just giving to you “free of charge”. Sometimes there are dues to pay. Without him, I would not be here writing this.
All of my important lessons in life have come from my children. Every smile, every tear and every heartache has been completely worth it and I would do it all again in a heartbeat!!
Well Artie, here we are 11 months into this nightmare. There are so many times I run the whole thing through my mind and wonder if there is anything we could have done different. But I know this won’t bring you back, and I have to stop. I have to let go of the dozen or so times a day that I ask why and what I did wrong. My entire being is exhausted. The thing is, I know, beyond any doubt that you love all of us and you never would deliberately hurt us. You would never hurt anyone for that matter. Whatever reason you made this decision had nothing to do with us, your family. I will have this ache in my heart for you until I take my last breath. Not a moment will go by that I won’t wish you were here, but I am going to try and focus more on life, living it and making it matter. I will continue to share our story and always celebrate with pride and honor that I am the Mom of a Warrior! I love you!!
I stayed out until 1 this morning watching the meteor shower. It was pretty amazing. Not only was the show fantastic, but I had a couple of racoons and a possum visit me as well.
As I laid out under the sky, I felt as though at any moment I would hear Artie speak to me. I could feel his presence so strong. He loved being out at night. These bittersweet moments are really special.
I honestly am trying to stay positive. This is emotionally draining. It is as if there is a constant battle going on between my Spirit and my ego. My Spirit knows that life is a blessing. It knows that my Artie is happy and peaceful on his new journey. Daily my Spirit reminds me of my many, many blessings and how important it is to trust what comes my way. I am reminded of what true love is when I am with Kurt and Wolfgang.
Then there is the ego side of me. It is an angry side. Angry still at people that I feel turned their backs on Arthur. People that did him an injustice that only taught him that the people you trust most are the very ones you should watch out for. Angry with myself for allowing these people into our lives. REALLY angry that their lives continue like nothing happened, like they had no input in the devastation that their actions caused. Never once have I wished bad on them but God help me, I sometimes hope they have a hard time sleeping at night..
Now, back to my Spirit self. I know that all things are put about as they should be. This is not an easy thing to accept when you lose a child. Being more “human” most of my life than “Spiritual” has certainly put me behind on learning to accept things. I have always been selfish in that I wanted a perfect life. For a brief moment, a split second, I had just that. And then it was gone. Now, I am beginning to get it. I understand that the “Perfect Life” is what comes next. The end results of what we learn while here and what we take with us when we proceed to the rest of our journey. Every second of the time I have left in this human form will be spent learning more about my Spirituality, Loving more unconditionally and completely, and Serving where ever it is needed.