Staying Positive – The Rest of My Journey

spirit

I honestly am trying to stay positive. This is emotionally draining. It is as if there is a constant battle going on between my Spirit and my ego. My Spirit knows that life is a blessing. It knows that my Artie is happy and peaceful on his new journey. Daily my Spirit reminds me of my many, many blessings and how important it is to trust what comes my way. I am reminded of what true love is when I am with Kurt and Wolfgang.

Then there is the ego side of me. It is an angry side. Angry still at people that I feel turned their backs on Arthur. People that did him an injustice that only taught him that the people you trust most are the very ones you should watch out for. Angry with myself for allowing these people into our lives. REALLY angry that their lives continue like nothing happened, like they had no input in the devastation that their actions caused. Never once have I wished bad on them but God help me, I sometimes hope they have a hard time sleeping at night..

Now, back to my Spirit self. I know that all things are put about as they should be. This is not an easy thing to accept when you lose a child. Being more “human” most of my life than “Spiritual” has certainly put me behind on learning to accept things. I have always been selfish in that I wanted a perfect life. For a brief moment, a split second, I had just that. And then it was gone. Now, I am beginning to get it. I understand that the “Perfect Life” is what comes next. The end results of what we learn while here and what we take with us when we proceed to the rest of our journey. Every second of the time I have left in this human form will be spent learning more about my Spirituality, Loving more unconditionally and completely, and Serving where ever it is needed.

Robin Williams

My thoughts are with Mr. Williams family today. It is a day that all families that have lost a loved one dread, the anniversary of our loss. My family is coming up on our our first year next month since our Artie went on to the rest of his journey.  I have met many women that are several years into the loss of their children and still feel the same as the first year. So, every year we will hold our breath, shed our tears, and prepare for yet another year without our child. We must remember they are still with us, they hear us and know our love for them! They want us to be happy, live our lives and do our best to move forward in our own journeys.

Wonderful Dream

I had the best dream last night. Not just because the dream was centered around us winning the lottery, but because I got to see Artie. Clear as if he were here with me right now. He was smiling and so glad to see me too. He called out “mom” and had the biggest smile on his face. I could see that he was happy, and he was hanging out with friends. I have been smiling about it all morning! Thanks Artie, I love you! See you again soon..

New school year

The one significant thing I feel most grateful for is that I have been able to homeschool my children. For all of Arthur’s life he was with me, everyday. Not in some class room being raised by strangers for eight hours a day. We have so many amazing memories.  As the new school year approaches, it saddens me how many families are anxious for their children to be away from them.  Homeschooling is not for everyone, I admit this, it is a choice.  But don’t be so quick to wish them away even for a few hours a day. You will never get those hours back. They will grow up and have lives of their own before you know it. Cherish these times.

Feeling better

The heaviness of the last few weeks has lightened some. I really don’t know why these particular weeks were so tough. I guess watching everyone prepare for the new school year bothered me more than I thought it would. We had just started our school year just a couple of weeks before Artie died last year. But, I feel better this week. My hubby being home helps a lot. We know we will always have each other to get through the tough days.. Poor Wolfgang just puts up with me when I’m being pissy. Could not do this without either of these two in my life..

Hey kiddo…

It is crazy that almost a year has passed. Every morning I wake and the nightmare just continues. I have had a really rough couple of weeks. No special dates or anything really, just the rolling wave of pain. I miss you and I can’t fathom going on for years without you.  The time is torture.. But I will live out my life, and I pray that I will someday again find joy.  I love you Artie…  Meet me in my dreams 😍

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