Just a mom…

As long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. Okay so when I really young, and still mostly boy, I wanted to be a truck driver. Things change. . I remember my first real babysitting job was when I was 13. The couple had an infant. Im talking maybe 6 weeks old. I can still remember being totally blown away as to how dependent that little tiny human was on everyone. I had not really been around too many babies up until then. Subsequently,  I discovered boys the same year.

When I became pregnant with my first son, Shane, I was elated and terrified at the same time. I thought it was crazy, I wanted this baby so much but what if I had him and then realized parenthood was not for me? This thought was in my mind constantly until I felt him move for the first time. And I knew. I was a mom even before he was ever born. I could not imagine ever loving any human as much as I already loved this little person inside of me. Fourteen months later, Shalynn was born. This was not a pregnancy that was planned at all. (She is totally aware, so it’s all good) But, the moment I felt that first flutter of life, it was love! I knew then, I wanted a house full of them. The universe had other plans though. It would be 14 years later before I would have another child. Arthur was born when I was 36 years old. The thing I remember most about the pregnancy was how much that kid moved. It never stopped. All day, all night he kicked and rolled nonstop. The whole time, until the day my water broke…. Then he decided he wasn’t moving for anything. He liked where he was and he wasn’t budging. It was a long labor, but when I saw his face, I knew he would change my life. And he did! Arthur was my fountain of youth! We played together, gardener together, cried, laughed and fought together. It was amazing being his mom.. When Artie was almost two, Wolfie came along. The pregnancy was different from any of my other three. I knew something was off from the moment we found out I was pregnant. Mother’s intuition I suppose, or maybe my angels were preparing me. When he finally made his appearance,  I knew he would be my last. I was 38 after all. Wolfgang was and is the strongest person I have ever known. He went through so much as a baby. But he held his own and made me realize what a gift life is and how you have to fight for it sometimes. It is not always just giving to you “free of charge”. Sometimes there are dues to pay. Without him, I would not be here writing this.
All of my important lessons in life have come from my children. Every smile, every tear and every heartache has been completely worth it and I would do it all again in a heartbeat!!

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