To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!
When we are babies, we learn to walk before we can run. Most kids anyway. Arthur ran before he ever considered walking. He was curious about everything and afraid of nothing. He wanted to experience everything he could. Looking back, I understand that he knew time was not long for him here. I am striving to be more like that. So many things are coming to my realization and I am absorbing all I can. If we just have faith in our own selves, our true selves, everything else will come easy. Our higher self will always know what is best for us, and will direct you on to that path. Your human self is all about ego most of the time and this can blind us to the truth. Trust in what you hear outside your brain, listen to your heart and your inner voice for the answers you need. You can trust this because it is this part of you that knows best. Even if you get hurt along the way, the outcome will always be for the greater good. I can say this even in my loss because I have seen it. Many gracious and wonderful things have come about since Arthur died. I will always wish he were still here physically, and I will always ache for his hugs, love and that smile. But, I can see now that the things that teach us the most are not always the easiest road to travel.
As grateful to the powers that be as I am for this great weather, I can’t help but wish Artie was here, ( in the flesh :)) to enjoy it. He loved being outside so much. Even if it was working in the yard or on the house. He loved walking and riding his bike. I do miss that kid more on nice days than bad. But, I am still enjoying this while it lasts. I am so anxious to get things in the garden and watch life renew itself around me. My birds are back in force already, feeders are full, squirrel bricks and corn out, and my hummingbird feeders are hanging. Even had a few bunnies out and about early this morning. I feel a sense of peace honestly the last few days. So many wonderful things are ahead of us and I intend to enjoy every moment. We can enjoy life, live it to the fullest and still hold Arthur and his memory close. I love him with all my heart and he me and our family. I know with every fiber of my being that love never truly dies.
Surely Spring will arrive at our doors soon. With it comes new beginnings, new life and hopefully some peace. This is what we normally expect from this season. But, for us moms that have lost children, it brings on more firsts.
For myself and our family there will many things we will struggle through without Artie. The first blooms of Wisteria Arthur planted me . This will be the first year I will sow a garden without him. The first full blown dog washing day, not that he will miss that! 😜🐕 The baby rabbits 🐇 will run around without Arthur sitting on the porch to watch and laugh at them. The new calves 🐂 in the pasture up the road will play like puppies and we won’t pull over on the road and watch them. Our first Spring morning won’t be spent thrilled with the fields of dandelions all around us. I could go on and on…
I am hoping that the passing of Winter will bring some peace, more sunshine is always a good thing. 🌞 There has been so little of it since Artie left. I need the warmth from the sun to fill the void of his smile. So often in his time here my warmth and peace was found in that smile..
Am I done with my healing? Absolutely not. Am I over the loss of my Artie? I will never be over it, it will follow me forever. Will I let it rule the rest of my life? That is the tough question…..
Most would assume the healthy answer would be no to this question. In my case I am going to let this loss define every moment for the rest of my life. Not in any negative way but with positive actions. My family and every minute I spend with them means so much more now. I really do not take anything for granted. We have had the worst weather for the last several days and I find myself grateful for it. Arthur hated rain by the way. I am sure he is not missing it! For me it is an opportunity to stay in, read and do some things in the house I need to get done.
Because of my loss I have learned that there are so many kids out there that really need some good guidance. Not discipline or therapy, just someone to say “it’s okay to feel this way, let’s see what we can do to make it better” I feel a need to find some way to be a guiding force in healing our youth. Our kids in this country are broken. They are lost and many are alone. They have no idea what is right and what is wrong. Not normal kid stuff but the big picture is so distorted for them. You have one side telling them it’s okay to be one way and the other telling them they will go to hell for it. We label everything! We have no respect or admiration anymore for individuality. Kids are trying so hard to be something they aren’t that it is destroying them. Used to having an imagination was considered a gift. Now it is a problem that needs medicating. What needs to be done is that we need to tell our children that it is okay to be who you are. We are robbing them of their childhoods and creating adults who do not know who they really are. Or worse yet, they know who they are and fight to hide it! Some die trying. There has to be a change and I want to be a part of it.