Once again, smelling the Roses

Now I’m just getting downright lazy! 😃 I slept 9 straight hours last night. Not dreams, that I remember, not once did I wake and look at the clock.

Quick story…

Went to Walmart last night, yes I know I try and avoid it but I had to get a gift for our son-in-law and it is the only place that carries it. So anyway. Checking out the cashier asked me if we have special plans for the Holidays. Immediately the tears well up, in my eyes as I tell her about our trip and the reason behind it. It was so clear from her face and the couple in line behind me they they were truly compassionate about our story. No pity, they didn’t even really seem to feel sorry for me. Just true, honest compassion. It was refreshing and it made me consider several things on the way home.
In a society of crime, poverty, homelessness and what we generally see as a “for each his own” mentality are we missing the loving and caring that is in all of us? Have we become so accustomed to the down side of things that we expect it? So this Holiday and hopefully always after, I will look for the good in everything. Even at Walmart!!

Have a Blessed Day!!

Finally some sleep.

I apologize for the really crappy post the last couple of days. Unfortunately as I have said before, I have no control over my emotions. Some days I think things are finally leveling out then BAM! I become a blubbering fool all, over again. Something did occur to me though. Feeling these things, these raw, painful emotions is normal in grief. The loss of a child is not comparable to anything else. The reason we feel so much pain is because we loved our child. We have memories of happy little snotty nosed kids. Little movies that run through our minds of us tying shoes, singing songs and reading books. One memory that I see regularly is sitting with Arthur as a baby, in his first little room, nursing him. The first few days with him, this child I waited for so long. How blessed am I to have had him and even more I am grateful for these memories. So I guess what I am saying is the pain is awful, even still agonizing at times. But the memories that flood me are stronger than the pain and if I keep them running it eases things some.

I am finally getting a little sleep. Actually restful sleep. Someone recommended some hypnotic audio recordings to me and they actually work. It’s amazing what a little sleep will do for you! So, today we will finish packing up for the trip. Still have to pick which skateboard of Artie’s to take. I am hoping the boy will give some kind of sign.  😜


Never ending Circle

Having an off morning… Sorry to be so gloomy today. I am exhausted and woke up feeling quite heavy..

Imagine walking on a tread mill that never stops. Now take it a step forward and the treadmill becomes a never ending circle that you can’t seem to get off of. You walk and walk and walk with no end in site. If you have ever been on a carousel as a child, the kind where you reach out and try and grab the brass ring for an extra ride you will understand the feeling. As you go round and round instead of a ring you are grabbing at memories, smells, hugs, laughter, even arguments and trying to hold on to them for dear life. As much as we want off of this ride it just keeps going with continuous agony. We beg for it to stop, we pray the pain will go away and yet everyday, every moment it continues endlessly. This is the pain of loss. I can’t finish anything, can’t focus and can’t come to terms with the fact that I have a new life now. This life is blurry. Nothing is clear for me yet. I fight to see through the fog but it is so dense I feel as though it will smother me. I want my life back! I want my son and our relationship back! I want laughter and arguing in my home. I want plans for the future, his future. I want to hear him and his brother playing video games, I want to tell him to turn his music down!
I want this ride to stop and just let me off.

Letting go

When we carry anger, hurt even hatred with us it does so much more harm than we can imagine. Not only to ourselves, but to the people in our lives. Holding on to these emotions clouds our love and prevents us from seeing the good around us. We will miss the smiles of strangers, the random laughter of a child and the everyday sounds of nature if our hearts and mind are filled with the negativity of these emotions. When we carry them for long periods of time it is like dying from the inside out. Life full of darkness and low energy will consume you. Your loved ones suffer as well because (a) they see you as someone they don’t know anymore, a shell of who you once were and (B) your love for them will not come through. They will feel your heaviness so it starts to breed within them. Loss of a loved one is one of those times when these emotions are very likely to take over. Your entire being can easily become filled with hatred for whomever you think may have caused the loss. I was right there. Holding myself and other people responsible for the events that lead to Arthur’s choice to leave us. Thank God I have come to realize he was done with his life here. His journey and purposes had been fulfilled and it was time for him to move on. This by no means makes my pain any less, it just means I can deal with this loss without the heaviness of guilt or anger. Freeing me to move through the rest of my journey here peaceful and full of love and hope for the future.

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