To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!
So today was a total waste.. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. I read, meditated, finally got rid of my headache. Wolfgang and I cooked a nice lunch. He had a steak and asparagus. I had asparagus on Flatbread with garlic and balsamic vinegar. Oh and I baked a Cherry pie. I spent a lot of time talking to Artie today. I felt his presence very strongly. I guess he knew I was feeling crappy. I miss that boy. He always made everything okay, he still does. The memories help. Things pop into my mind that I have not thought of in a long time. I remember the first time we took the boys to the zoo. Wolfie was still pretty sick but Arthur loved it! He was more interested in the flowers and the trees though. I think he smelled every flower in the place. Our Zoo has a huge koi pond and he loved it! The fish are so used to people they just come right to you. He would just laugh and laugh at them. His laugh was musical even then. He so loved watching the little ones at the zoo when he got older too. We went many times with the grandkids over the years. Cherished times… It is the little moments that mean the most.
As silly as it seems, Olive Garden for the the first time without Artie was tough. I know exactly what he would have ordered, chicken marsala and a rootbeer. It didn’t really hit me until we were home and I grabbed the bottle of dressing we got out of the car. Arthur cooked the best steaks ever! He would marinade them in the dressing and they were always so tender and full of flavor. Just another reminder that the simple things, the things we take for granted are the very things we will miss when they are gone.
I miss you my boy. You are always here with me but I still miss your face.. I love you!
Surely Spring will arrive at our doors soon. With it comes new beginnings, new life and hopefully some peace. This is what we normally expect from this season. But, for us moms that have lost children, it brings on more firsts.
For myself and our family there will many things we will struggle through without Artie. The first blooms of Wisteria Arthur planted me . This will be the first year I will sow a garden without him. The first full blown dog washing day, not that he will miss that! 😜🐕 The baby rabbits 🐇 will run around without Arthur sitting on the porch to watch and laugh at them. The new calves 🐂 in the pasture up the road will play like puppies and we won’t pull over on the road and watch them. Our first Spring morning won’t be spent thrilled with the fields of dandelions all around us. I could go on and on…
I am hoping that the passing of Winter will bring some peace, more sunshine is always a good thing. 🌞 There has been so little of it since Artie left. I need the warmth from the sun to fill the void of his smile. So often in his time here my warmth and peace was found in that smile..
It is so hard to get a grip on this pain. I thought I was doing pretty well, but yesterday I was washed in my grief and pain all over again. For the first time in a while I cried myself to sleep. I woke up with swollen eyes and one hell of a headache. Grief is like an unwanted houseguest. They overstay their welcome, suck up all of your energy and leave a mess when they finally go. But just when you think you have everything put back in its place, and it’s okay to make plans for the extra space, it walks back through the door. I have said all along I had no control over my emotions, and this was one of the hardest parts of the loss. It is still true after five months. Five months! It seems like years to me right now. Years since I held that blonde little boy with a scraped knee, years since I comforted him when he had his heart broken and years since I heard him call my name, hug me and flash that crazy bright smile.. I will never be over this pain. Our family will always be missing a part of us. I will get through this period of grief.. Until the next one comes….