Tag: suicide

Mending a Broken Heart

Life does not come with a “How To” guide. There is no owners manual tucked in with our babies when we bring them home. And we sure as hell aren’t given the secret formula on how to fix a broken heart.
Sure, we usually get over the time our “One true love” totally ruined our lives in like 5th grade. We most likely survive that kind of upset to our hearts a few times in our youth.
But, how do we fix a real broken heart? The kind that is felt physically, deep into to our Soul, the kind that changes our lives forever. Can we mend it? Is there truly a fix? In my situation, I go back and forth on that. I wish I had never been giving the knowledge of what it feels like.  I want somedays, nothing else but to wake up and find it has all been a bad dream. My heart cries out to God at times asking what the purpose is. Surely there is a reason right? My truth is that there have been many lessons on this path.
Love strong! Not with just a piece of yourself, but all of you. Do not love just the people and things that serve you. We are all beings of the same light, the same God source. In giving love you will receive it!
Forgive, we cannot carry resentment and anger for things we can’t change. This will eat you from the inside out! This forgiveness should start with yourself! (Remember… “No How To” guide..) Every mistake or misstep is a lesson. Use them as such.
Breath… It is our life force. We can not continue anything without our breath. Long, slow deep breathes ground us and connect us to the source. The breaths that are hard to catch are the ones that make the best memories.   The intimate moments with the one we love, when our babies are placed in our arms for the first time and when your babies give you grandchildren, just to name a few.. I hope many more come to your mind. (Write them down) 😊

I could go on and on about my lessons from this broken heart I carry within my chest. Each of them have made me a better person. I have shared my broken heart with all of you for almost 2 years now. I feel we have become friends and I have felt your love and caring throughout my journey. Today, this Valentines Day, I want you to know that ALL of you have been a huge part in the process of healing for me on the road to mending my broken heart!   

Peace and Love my friends!
 

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Even through this storm…

To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the  worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!

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So grateful for my memories..

So today was a total waste.. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. I read, meditated, finally got rid of my headache. Wolfgang and I cooked a nice lunch. He had a steak and asparagus.  I had asparagus on Flatbread with garlic and balsamic vinegar. Oh and I baked a Cherry pie. I spent a lot of time talking to Artie today. I felt his presence very strongly. I guess he knew I was feeling crappy. I miss that boy. He always made everything okay, he still does. The memories help. Things pop into my mind that I have not thought of in a long time. I remember the first time we took the boys to the zoo. Wolfie was still pretty sick but Arthur loved it! He was more interested in the flowers and the trees though. I think he smelled every flower in the place. Our Zoo has a huge koi pond and he loved it! The fish are so used to people they just come right to you. He would just laugh and laugh at them. His laugh was musical even then. He so loved watching the little ones at the zoo when he got older too. We went many times with the grandkids over the years. Cherished times… It is the little moments that mean the most.

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Never is a long time..

You will never get in trouble for breaking curfew.. You won’t get your license and  we won’t take pictures of your first date.. We will never fish together again.. Never cook another meal together..  I won’t cry at your wedding.. Daddy, myself, your brothers and sisters, we won’t wait outside the delivery room for your first baby, and You will never hold Wolfgang’s children or tell them stories about their dad. For us it is an eternity of nevers..

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Spring firsts…

Surely Spring will arrive at our doors soon. With it comes new beginnings, new life and hopefully some peace. This is what we normally expect from this season. But, for us moms that have lost children, it brings on more firsts.
For myself and our family there will many things we will struggle through without Artie.  The first blooms of Wisteria Arthur planted me . This will be the first year I will sow a garden without him. The first full blown dog washing day, not that he will miss that! 😜🐕 The baby rabbits 🐇 will run around without Arthur sitting on the porch to watch and laugh at them. The new calves 🐂 in the pasture up the road will play like puppies and we won’t pull over on the road and watch  them. Our first Spring morning won’t be spent thrilled with the fields of dandelions all around us. I could go on and on… 
I am hoping that the passing of Winter will bring some peace, more sunshine is always  a good thing.  🌞  There has been so little of it since Artie left. I need the warmth from the sun to fill the void of his smile. So often in his time here my warmth and peace was found in that smile..

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