To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!
Hey buddy, everyone is here finally. It is wonderful having them home.. We are all painfully aware of the fact that you are not here physically but I know you are here in Spirit. You always looked forward to these family visits.. I felt your love so much today. It was as if I could feel that you were as excited as I am for everyone to arrive. It’s almost like old times.
I am still caught off guard at times by my grief. I still have moments that bring me to my knees. What I would not give to have you here.. I can almost hear your laughter. Aside from your hugs, I miss that the most. Your laughter always brought such joy to all of us. Today, I hope you will be here. I know for a fact you will be in our hearts and on our minds.. I love you my boy.. Love Mommy
Coming up on eight months
When Arthur died, almost eight months ago, our lives were perfect. We were an awesome family. We did everything together. There was laughter, fun, music and adventure all of the time. We had the same kind of issues other families had but we were different. I thought in that moment, the moment I found my boy, that it was all over. My world I could not imagine would ever have any fulfillment or happiness again. I had all but decided that my daily existence would be spent waiting for my time here to be over, the sooner the better as far as I was concerned. Thank goodness I have changed my way of thinking. I am not the same woman I was that day, before I went into his room. That person no longer exists. The life we all knew is gone, along with Arthur’s physical self.
But… My life is full. I have love, and family. I have friends, old and new. I have my health and I know Arthur is still with us in spirit. My own spirituality has grown so much. No longer do I question what is to come. There is no fear in dying for me. Life here is but an extension of our spirit selves. A journey of learning, solving and growing. Our loved ones never truly leave us. They help guide us and they are always with us to share life’s ups and downs. This is such comfort for me. I will miss the hugs from Arthur physically always, but I am content with the ones I get from him spiritually now.. I am far from healed of the pain and grief. I do not kid myself about that. My family and I are continuing our adventure together, just with more gratitude and love in our hearts.
Never is a long time..
You will never get in trouble for breaking curfew.. You won’t get your license and we won’t take pictures of your first date.. We will never fish together again.. Never cook another meal together.. I won’t cry at your wedding.. Daddy, myself, your brothers and sisters, we won’t wait outside the delivery room for your first baby, and You will never hold Wolfgang’s children or tell them stories about their dad. For us it is an eternity of nevers..
Surely Spring will arrive at our doors soon. With it comes new beginnings, new life and hopefully some peace. This is what we normally expect from this season. But, for us moms that have lost children, it brings on more firsts.
For myself and our family there will many things we will struggle through without Artie. The first blooms of Wisteria Arthur planted me . This will be the first year I will sow a garden without him. The first full blown dog washing day, not that he will miss that! 😜🐕 The baby rabbits 🐇 will run around without Arthur sitting on the porch to watch and laugh at them. The new calves 🐂 in the pasture up the road will play like puppies and we won’t pull over on the road and watch them. Our first Spring morning won’t be spent thrilled with the fields of dandelions all around us. I could go on and on…
I am hoping that the passing of Winter will bring some peace, more sunshine is always a good thing. 🌞 There has been so little of it since Artie left. I need the warmth from the sun to fill the void of his smile. So often in his time here my warmth and peace was found in that smile..