Finally some sleep.

I apologize for the really crappy post the last couple of days. Unfortunately as I have said before, I have no control over my emotions. Some days I think things are finally leveling out then BAM! I become a blubbering fool all, over again. Something did occur to me though. Feeling these things, these raw, painful emotions is normal in grief. The loss of a child is not comparable to anything else. The reason we feel so much pain is because we loved our child. We have memories of happy little snotty nosed kids. Little movies that run through our minds of us tying shoes, singing songs and reading books. One memory that I see regularly is sitting with Arthur as a baby, in his first little room, nursing him. The first few days with him, this child I waited for so long. How blessed am I to have had him and even more I am grateful for these memories. So I guess what I am saying is the pain is awful, even still agonizing at times. But the memories that flood me are stronger than the pain and if I keep them running it eases things some.

I am finally getting a little sleep. Actually restful sleep. Someone recommended some hypnotic audio recordings to me and they actually work. It’s amazing what a little sleep will do for you! So, today we will finish packing up for the trip. Still have to pick which skateboard of Artie’s to take. I am hoping the boy will give some kind of sign.  😜

Never ending Circle

Having an off morning… Sorry to be so gloomy today. I am exhausted and woke up feeling quite heavy..

Imagine walking on a tread mill that never stops. Now take it a step forward and the treadmill becomes a never ending circle that you can’t seem to get off of. You walk and walk and walk with no end in site. If you have ever been on a carousel as a child, the kind where you reach out and try and grab the brass ring for an extra ride you will understand the feeling. As you go round and round instead of a ring you are grabbing at memories, smells, hugs, laughter, even arguments and trying to hold on to them for dear life. As much as we want off of this ride it just keeps going with continuous agony. We beg for it to stop, we pray the pain will go away and yet everyday, every moment it continues endlessly. This is the pain of loss. I can’t finish anything, can’t focus and can’t come to terms with the fact that I have a new life now. This life is blurry. Nothing is clear for me yet. I fight to see through the fog but it is so dense I feel as though it will smother me. I want my life back! I want my son and our relationship back! I want laughter and arguing in my home. I want plans for the future, his future. I want to hear him and his brother playing video games, I want to tell him to turn his music down!
I want this ride to stop and just let me off.

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