Surely Spring will arrive at our doors soon. With it comes new beginnings, new life and hopefully some peace. This is what we normally expect from this season. But, for us moms that have lost children, it brings on more firsts.
For myself and our family there will many things we will struggle through without Artie. The first blooms of Wisteria Arthur planted me . This will be the first year I will sow a garden without him. The first full blown dog washing day, not that he will miss that! 😜🐕 The baby rabbits 🐇 will run around without Arthur sitting on the porch to watch and laugh at them. The new calves 🐂 in the pasture up the road will play like puppies and we won’t pull over on the road and watch them. Our first Spring morning won’t be spent thrilled with the fields of dandelions all around us. I could go on and on…
I am hoping that the passing of Winter will bring some peace, more sunshine is always a good thing. 🌞 There has been so little of it since Artie left. I need the warmth from the sun to fill the void of his smile. So often in his time here my warmth and peace was found in that smile..
Never ending Circle
Having an off morning… Sorry to be so gloomy today. I am exhausted and woke up feeling quite heavy..
Imagine walking on a tread mill that never stops. Now take it a step forward and the treadmill becomes a never ending circle that you can’t seem to get off of. You walk and walk and walk with no end in site. If you have ever been on a carousel as a child, the kind where you reach out and try and grab the brass ring for an extra ride you will understand the feeling. As you go round and round instead of a ring you are grabbing at memories, smells, hugs, laughter, even arguments and trying to hold on to them for dear life. As much as we want off of this ride it just keeps going with continuous agony. We beg for it to stop, we pray the pain will go away and yet everyday, every moment it continues endlessly. This is the pain of loss. I can’t finish anything, can’t focus and can’t come to terms with the fact that I have a new life now. This life is blurry. Nothing is clear for me yet. I fight to see through the fog but it is so dense I feel as though it will smother me. I want my life back! I want my son and our relationship back! I want laughter and arguing in my home. I want plans for the future, his future. I want to hear him and his brother playing video games, I want to tell him to turn his music down!
I want this ride to stop and just let me off.
Letting go
When we carry anger, hurt even hatred with us it does so much more harm than we can imagine. Not only to ourselves, but to the people in our lives. Holding on to these emotions clouds our love and prevents us from seeing the good around us. We will miss the smiles of strangers, the random laughter of a child and the everyday sounds of nature if our hearts and mind are filled with the negativity of these emotions. When we carry them for long periods of time it is like dying from the inside out. Life full of darkness and low energy will consume you. Your loved ones suffer as well because (a) they see you as someone they don’t know anymore, a shell of who you once were and (B) your love for them will not come through. They will feel your heaviness so it starts to breed within them. Loss of a loved one is one of those times when these emotions are very likely to take over. Your entire being can easily become filled with hatred for whomever you think may have caused the loss. I was right there. Holding myself and other people responsible for the events that lead to Arthur’s choice to leave us. Thank God I have come to realize he was done with his life here. His journey and purposes had been fulfilled and it was time for him to move on. This by no means makes my pain any less, it just means I can deal with this loss without the heaviness of guilt or anger. Freeing me to move through the rest of my journey here peaceful and full of love and hope for the future.