I do try not to hold negative or resentful thoughts and feelings. I face each day with as much positively as I can muster. But, I have moments where I still am very angry. Angry that my son, a loving, caring, respectful and honest young man was taken from this earth so young. When I see young men that are rude, have no respect for their mothers let alone other women it makes me question everything. When I see the people that caused Artie so much pain, the ones that turned his life upside down, going on with life as if nothing has changed, I am furious. I want nothing more than to never feel hatred in my heart because Arthur loved and respected everyone. But some days it feels like the hatred is eating me alive. I feel it consuming me. I don’t wish this pain on anyone, I just wonder if they ever think about what they did. I live with guilt and regret every day of my life. How can they not? When they drop to their knees and thank God for their blessings, do they think of what we have lost? I do realize Arthur made the decision to end his life on he own. He takes responsibility for that. But I can’t help but wonder if these people had never come into our lives, would he still be here? They ruined his view of what he thought people were. The very people he loved and trusted turned on him and he never recovered from that. Please forgive me for this rant. It is my only release and it’s this or screaming and sometimes I am afraid if I start, I will never stop…
Life does not come with a “How To” guide. There is no owners manual tucked in with our babies when we bring them home. And we sure as hell aren’t given the secret formula on how to fix a broken heart.
Sure, we usually get over the time our “One true love” totally ruined our lives in like 5th grade. We most likely survive that kind of upset to our hearts a few times in our youth.
But, how do we fix a real broken heart? The kind that is felt physically, deep into to our Soul, the kind that changes our lives forever. Can we mend it? Is there truly a fix? In my situation, I go back and forth on that. I wish I had never been giving the knowledge of what it feels like. I want somedays, nothing else but to wake up and find it has all been a bad dream. My heart cries out to God at times asking what the purpose is. Surely there is a reason right? My truth is that there have been many lessons on this path.
Love strong! Not with just a piece of yourself, but all of you. Do not love just the people and things that serve you. We are all beings of the same light, the same God source. In giving love you will receive it!
Forgive, we cannot carry resentment and anger for things we can’t change. This will eat you from the inside out! This forgiveness should start with yourself! (Remember… “No How To” guide..) Every mistake or misstep is a lesson. Use them as such.
Breath… It is our life force. We can not continue anything without our breath. Long, slow deep breathes ground us and connect us to the source. The breaths that are hard to catch are the ones that make the best memories. The intimate moments with the one we love, when our babies are placed in our arms for the first time and when your babies give you grandchildren, just to name a few.. I hope many more come to your mind. (Write them down) 😊
I could go on and on about my lessons from this broken heart I carry within my chest. Each of them have made me a better person. I have shared my broken heart with all of you for almost 2 years now. I feel we have become friends and I have felt your love and caring throughout my journey. Today, this Valentines Day, I want you to know that ALL of you have been a huge part in the process of healing for me on the road to mending my broken heart!
To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!
I can’t explain what I feel. There are no words in the dictionary to cover the grief we feel when we lose our children. We have no name, nothing to identify us in a crowd. But when we see a mom, a mom that knows, we recognize them immediately. It’s like a signal we send out to the universe to draw in the understanding only another mother has. It is quite beautiful really, how God takes care of us. Our children are not gone from us at all. They physically have left this Earth, but they are forever with us, just as all of our loved ones that have passed are. Just as God always is. And this… This is a beautiful reality once you truly get it.
I have had some super dark moments since Artie died. I blamed everyone and everything on his suicide, even myself. I have spent a year looking, even begging for answers. I have come to realize there are no answers, the truth is just that this has happened to my family because it was to be. It does not make the pain go away, and it still sucks everyday that I can’t get one of those hugs. But for the first time in my life, I have genuine faith in something. Faith that we are all connected by the Source, by God. We are all the same in our hearts and our Souls are one. We are light and we are energy. We choose our roads long before we come to this life and our Souls know the why. If you are lost, unsure of the way to go, just calm yourself, close your eyes and listen to your Spirit. It will always take you on the right path. Have faith in this, it will never let you down.
Peace, Happiness and Love to you all!!
So today was a total waste.. I accomplished absolutely nothing. Well, that is not entirely true. I read, meditated, finally got rid of my headache. Wolfgang and I cooked a nice lunch. He had a steak and asparagus. I had asparagus on Flatbread with garlic and balsamic vinegar. Oh and I baked a Cherry pie. I spent a lot of time talking to Artie today. I felt his presence very strongly. I guess he knew I was feeling crappy. I miss that boy. He always made everything okay, he still does. The memories help. Things pop into my mind that I have not thought of in a long time. I remember the first time we took the boys to the zoo. Wolfie was still pretty sick but Arthur loved it! He was more interested in the flowers and the trees though. I think he smelled every flower in the place. Our Zoo has a huge koi pond and he loved it! The fish are so used to people they just come right to you. He would just laugh and laugh at them. His laugh was musical even then. He so loved watching the little ones at the zoo when he got older too. We went many times with the grandkids over the years. Cherished times… It is the little moments that mean the most.