Who Am I Really?


I have recently had some toxic people remove themselves from my life. This has been more liberating than I could have imagined. Sometimes the very people that you think you need in your life are the very ones that destroy your chances for happiness. It is life changing to realize how little I need them in my life. I was programmed to believe that I was  important.  The fact is, I was a  pawn, a means to an end if you will.  I only wish I had walked away years ago.  I am sure my life would have been so very different.  This even more than Arthur’s death has changed me profoundly!





The Quiet

It has been some time since I have written. My daddy passed from this Earth early today and is now fishing with Artie and my grandad.  But let me back up a few years, to that morning.

After all of the phone calls were made and before the friends and family started coming, I became acutely aware of the silence. It was truly deafening! This lasted for several days if I recall, maybe even weeks. Over time I didn’t seem to notice it anymore.

Until today.  After they came and took daddy’s precious body to the funeral home, mom and made the long trip to hers and daddy’s apartment. The silence was with us on the drive there. We spoke some, but it was there. Then as we sat eating our hamburgers I became incredible aware of the silence, no refrigerator, no a/c, no television and no noisy neighbors. It was just silent.

Then I heard it, plain as day…. I heard my dads voice say “Hey Sugar” just as if he were right there beside me. And all of a sudden I felt like I knew all of the secrets of the Universe!! I have spoken often of the gifts we are given when we lose our Love ones. When Arthur went on to his heavenly journey my gift was numbness, to ease the pain those first few days. Today my gift was the silence so I could hear my daddy’s sweet voice one more time!

Even death brings about miracles and the awareness of something greater than we are!


Just when you think..

I can go days, even weeks and yes months without a breakdown! I am happy and there is laughter in the house.. But last night out of the blue I broke! I am not sure if I was dreaming of Arthur or what brought it on but I awoke with the same feelings as that morning. That morning that my life changed forever, the moment I gained a broken heart for the rest of my life! It is still not real. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I will never hug that kid again. I will go the rest of my life not knowing what kind of man he would be. I feel old and defeated. How am I to find courage and continue without his support and never ending love? Arthur would say just the right thing in every situation.

I wish he could tell me what the hell I am supposed to do without him…

As I sit here in the hotel room and think back on memories of Jen, I am once again reminded of how important family is! I remember this bigger than life little girl trying so hard to be everything to everyone. So full of love for her family and destined for greatness! Flash forward to almost two years ago. Her greatness came when she became a mom. JR is the spitting image of his mother. Eyes that shine with life and the very essence of love! To hear him laugh is pure joy! I have learned that love is eternal and I believe with my entire being that Jen will always be right by her son’s side. Having known and loved this young woman is a great blessing.  So many will always remember her and live better lives because of her. See you on the flip side Jen! You and Artie stay in touch!JenandJR

Missing you

I miss you every moment even now… I long for a hug and a flash of that smile so much. Even though I feel my healing has come along way, I must admit that over time, I miss you more. I would love to have a glimpse of you, as the man you would have been. Would it make any of this easier, if I could only see your face for but a moment?

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