Losing a child changes your life.

It is not just about Arthur not being here. It is everything about life that is different. I thought about this a lot today. 

5 years ago, there was a house full of people here. Kids and adults. There was laughter, food, adult beverages, music and of course fireworks. I never for a moment thought that holidays were ever going to change. But they are forever different for us. We are here at home, watching television and waiting on Wolfie to get home from work. I am grateful for these two guys in my life. They get it. We three are all feeling the same tonight. Enjoy your families tonight. Keep them safe, hug them and tell them you love them. It could all be different tomorrow. 

Peace.. 💜

I have said many times that I have no regrets. As I get older and more honest with myself, I realize this is the biggest lie I have ever told. I wish I had not married so young and had lived on my own a while. I wish I had been braver, taken more risks and climbed that mountain. Taking better care of myself would be at the top of the list. But of all of my regrets, the ones that haunt me are the things I did not say to those who are no longer here.  Making sure they knew how important their very existance was in my life.  And above all else, I would give anything if I could have only made sure he knew I would slowly die without him.

Yesterday was a tough day. Working on getting pool ready, setting up for summer, once again without you. I could hear your laughter as I thought of summers past. You always loved having parties and get togethers. You were our best Bartender ever! I miss you, I miss those days, I miss us…

This past week, eight young people were taken from this Earth. In that moment, eight families lives are forever changed.

And I know…

I know the pain that will be with them always. I know how it feels to wait for their child to walk into the room.  I know that their dreams and hopes for the future are forever altered. The only hope now is to just make it through each hour.  I know these moms are sleeping in beds where they tucked their babies in safely each night, holding on to pillows and taking in the sweet smell of the life that came from her womb. They don’t know yet that there will come a time when that smell will be gone and it will be one of the things they will long for always. They don’t realize the screams they hear in their heads are their own. They will cry until there are no more tears. I know the fear of sleep will come because of the images that will haunt them. And I know they will spend the rest of their lives a fraction of the person they once were.

Arthur would have graduated this year. We have no gown, no diploma, no college applications.  Our boy would have changed the world.  

My heart and my prayers are for the families of the horrible tragedy in Santa Fe always.