I have said many times that I have no regrets. As I get older and more honest with myself, I realize this is the biggest lie I have ever told. I wish I had not married so young and had lived on my own a while. I wish I had been braver, taken more risks and climbed that mountain. Taking better care of myself would be at the top of the list. But of all of my regrets, the ones that haunt me are the things I did not say to those who are no longer here. Making sure they knew how important their very existance was in my life. And above all else, I would give anything if I could have only made sure he knew I would slowly die without him.
I wrote this in the airport the other day but forgot to post it..
I remember our last big trip together. We left Kansas, drove to Oklahoma and flew into Houston. We got stuck at the airport because the weather was bad! I remember every second of that trip. We looked up movie stars to see how tall they were. I can still remember every one. We listened to classic rock music all the way, and sang right along! But… You skating down the hall at the hotel was by far my most memorable moment! I still have that photo. Your laughter and smile that night really keeps me going some days!
As I sit here watching families coming and going on Summer adventures I am not sad. I am grateful for the memories I have of you. We were a good team Artie! Every day was so full with you in it. Thank you for loving me kiddo and choosing me for your mom!
Yesterday was a tough day. Working on getting pool ready, setting up for summer, once again without you. I could hear your laughter as I thought of summers past. You always loved having parties and get togethers. You were our best Bartender ever! I miss you, I miss those days, I miss us…
This past week, eight young people were taken from this Earth. In that moment, eight families lives are forever changed.
And I know…
I know the pain that will be with them always. I know how it feels to wait for their child to walk into the room. I know that their dreams and hopes for the future are forever altered. The only hope now is to just make it through each hour. I know these moms are sleeping in beds where they tucked their babies in safely each night, holding on to pillows and taking in the sweet smell of the life that came from her womb. They don’t know yet that there will come a time when that smell will be gone and it will be one of the things they will long for always. They don’t realize the screams they hear in their heads are their own. They will cry until there are no more tears. I know the fear of sleep will come because of the images that will haunt them. And I know they will spend the rest of their lives a fraction of the person they once were.
Arthur would have graduated this year. We have no gown, no diploma, no college applications. Our boy would have changed the world.
My heart and my prayers are for the families of the horrible tragedy in Santa Fe always.
Our country, our society and our children are coming apart. What are we to do with a generation of children that has so little regard for respect, caring and life in general. First we must ask ourselves why. I understand that maybe it is just a handful of them but hate spreads like a plague. How can we stop something so rapidly growing? Todays shooting took place at a school that openly spoke out for gun control not long ago. The shooter was most likely a participant in the walk out with the very kids he coldly killed today.
For me, a grieving mother myself, I have fought all day to keep my thoughts clear. I think of the parents of the children who needlessly died today. As they enter their homes tonight without the babies they never thought they would lose. They never expected to have to bury their child. A parent never does. Instead of planning graduations, summer vacations and futures tonight, they are planning funerals. How is this possible?
As you tuck your kids in tonight, kiss them an extra time. Before you close your eyes, say a prayer not only for these families, but all families across the globe. Pray that we see each other as the remarkable beings we are, capable of amazing things. Be full of love daily and hope for a better Earth for all of us. Ask for the vision to see hurt that needs healing, hunger that needs feeding and thirst that needs quenching. Just be the light being you were placed here to be. Be the good and smile at your fellow man. This too can spread like the plague…