September has given us an almost 20 year marriage, the birth of our youngest son and the loss of another. This year, the loss of a beloved pet has been added to the list. It is hard not to be depressed right now. Remembering the devastation from Harvey and the continuing rains just add to the gloomy feel of this time of year. I hope every year will be better. I pray that my heart will miraculously not feel the sting of what it has survived. I do try to be my most positive self, but it is not in me anymore. The darkness of this month has become like an unwanted guest in my life. Here for just a short time. Just long enough to destroy whatever healing I had accomplished.
It is the nights that are hardest. The fear of nightmares keep me awake. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. It is as if I have this entirely different person inside of me. She controls my thoughts completely. Not really my emotions as I don’t have many of those anymore. Someone not even I am familiar with. How are the people in my life supposed to recognize her? I wish she would just go away.
Losing a child changes your life.
It is not just about Arthur not being here. It is everything about life that is different. I thought about this a lot today.
5 years ago, there was a house full of people here. Kids and adults. There was laughter, food, adult beverages, music and of course fireworks. I never for a moment thought that holidays were ever going to change. But they are forever different for us. We are here at home, watching television and waiting on Wolfie to get home from work. I am grateful for these two guys in my life. They get it. We three are all feeling the same tonight. Enjoy your families tonight. Keep them safe, hug them and tell them you love them. It could all be different tomorrow.
I have said many times that I have no regrets. As I get older and more honest with myself, I realize this is the biggest lie I have ever told. I wish I had not married so young and had lived on my own a while. I wish I had been braver, taken more risks and climbed that mountain. Taking better care of myself would be at the top of the list. But of all of my regrets, the ones that haunt me are the things I did not say to those who are no longer here. Making sure they knew how important their very existance was in my life. And above all else, I would give anything if I could have only made sure he knew I would slowly die without him.
I wrote this in the airport the other day but forgot to post it..
I remember our last big trip together. We left Kansas, drove to Oklahoma and flew into Houston. We got stuck at the airport because the weather was bad! I remember every second of that trip. We looked up movie stars to see how tall they were. I can still remember every one. We listened to classic rock music all the way, and sang right along! But… You skating down the hall at the hotel was by far my most memorable moment! I still have that photo. Your laughter and smile that night really keeps me going some days!
As I sit here watching families coming and going on Summer adventures I am not sad. I am grateful for the memories I have of you. We were a good team Artie! Every day was so full with you in it. Thank you for loving me kiddo and choosing me for your mom!