Today 4 years ago was the last great day I had. I spent the day running back and forth to the mall, picking up and dropping off kids. Our oldest son and his family were here and I spent time with the twins. It really was a great day. If only I had know what was coming. I would have stayed up all night, I would have told him that his broken heart would someday be a great lesson learned. I could have listened to music with him, or watched the videos he had made that morning. I saw the videos by the way, days later. They were great. Arthur was so talented, incredibly loving and loyal to a fault. He did not understand how people could be ugly and hurtful to each other. This would take him down a path that night he did not return from, and in the process would destroy me.
September has given us an almost 20 year marriage, the birth of our youngest son and the loss of another. This year, the loss of a beloved pet has been added to the list. It is hard not to be depressed right now. Remembering the devastation from Harvey and the continuing rains just add to the gloomy feel of this time of year. I hope every year will be better. I pray that my heart will miraculously not feel the sting of what it has survived. I do try to be my most positive self, but it is not in me anymore. The darkness of this month has become like an unwanted guest in my life. Here for just a short time. Just long enough to destroy whatever healing I had accomplished.
It is the nights that are hardest. The fear of nightmares keep me awake. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. It is as if I have this entirely different person inside of me. She controls my thoughts completely. Not really my emotions as I don’t have many of those anymore. Someone not even I am familiar with. How are the people in my life supposed to recognize her? I wish she would just go away.
Losing a child changes your life.
It is not just about Arthur not being here. It is everything about life that is different. I thought about this a lot today.
5 years ago, there was a house full of people here. Kids and adults. There was laughter, food, adult beverages, music and of course fireworks. I never for a moment thought that holidays were ever going to change. But they are forever different for us. We are here at home, watching television and waiting on Wolfie to get home from work. I am grateful for these two guys in my life. They get it. We three are all feeling the same tonight. Enjoy your families tonight. Keep them safe, hug them and tell them you love them. It could all be different tomorrow.
I have said many times that I have no regrets. As I get older and more honest with myself, I realize this is the biggest lie I have ever told. I wish I had not married so young and had lived on my own a while. I wish I had been braver, taken more risks and climbed that mountain. Taking better care of myself would be at the top of the list. But of all of my regrets, the ones that haunt me are the things I did not say to those who are no longer here. Making sure they knew how important their very existance was in my life. And above all else, I would give anything if I could have only made sure he knew I would slowly die without him.