So many times I wake up thinking it was all just a very long and horrible dream. There have been some mornings, I have made it all of the way to the kitchen before it hits me. As soon as I turn that corner and face his bedroom door it all comes back. That heaviness. The weight of the chains I drag with me every day. I pull them along to the grocery store, the mall , the dentist and then home again. They are my grief. Heavy and noisy.  Noise only I can hear. As time goes on, there are moments that the weight is lessened.  A few days even weeks go by until suddenly the chains I keep in tow snag on something and jerk me backward.  Once I catch my breath again,  I tell myself that these chains are a reminder that I had you. For an all too brief time you were my life..  And then the cycle starts all over. Drag, pull, relief and snag..

It is like being trapped in a rollercoaster and someone else has the controls.  You can try and undo the seatbelt and scream for the ride to stop. But it doesn’t, it never will, and you know this.  There will be times when the ride almost becomes bearable, sometimes you might even find yourself enjoying it. Then just like always, the car begins running down a steep track and you feel as though you are losing control.

This is your life after losing a child.

Each day you have no idea know what to expect. Some days will be exhausting and debilitating. Others you will muddle through almost at a normal level. There will be days with just a glimmer of happiness, just out of reach, but you can see it. It is far worse to see all the joys and happiness that could have been.

I try to explain to people how this shit works but it is not possible. Only I can hear the screams in my head.  There is a space in time only I can visit and it is the moment everything changed and I began to walk on the edge of insanity.

Today 4 years ago was the last great day I had. I spent the day running back and forth to the mall, picking up and dropping off kids. Our oldest son and his family were here and I spent time with the twins. It really was a great day. If only I had know what was coming. I would have stayed up all night, I would have told him that his broken heart would someday be a great lesson learned. I could have listened to music with him, or watched the videos he had made that morning. I saw the videos by the way, days later. They were great. Arthur was so talented, incredibly loving and loyal to a fault. He did not understand how people could be ugly and hurtful to each other. This would take him down a path that night he did not return from, and in the process would destroy me.

September has given us an almost 20 year marriage, the birth of our youngest son and the loss of another. This year, the loss of a beloved pet has been added to the list. It is hard not to be depressed right now. Remembering the devastation from Harvey and the continuing rains just add to the gloomy feel of this time of year. I hope every year will be better. I pray that my heart will miraculously not feel the sting of what it has survived. I do try to be my most positive self, but it is not in me anymore.   The darkness of this month has become like an unwanted guest in my life. Here for just a short time. Just long enough to destroy whatever healing I had accomplished. 

It is the nights that are hardest. The fear of nightmares keep me awake. The more time that passes, the more alone I feel. It is as if I have this entirely different person inside of me. She controls my thoughts completely. Not really my emotions as I don’t have many of those anymore. Someone not even I am familiar with. How  are the people in my life supposed to recognize her? I wish she would just go away.