Taking the long road. 

This has been the longest road I have ever taken. Of course I didn’t actually take it. I was dropped off on this dark winding road, blind folded in the middle of the night almost 2 years ago. It is a road I would never have taken had it been my choice. There is no place to stop and ask directions, no gps, few places along the way for rest and the road seems to never end. There is no excitement to see where the trip will end, and no reward at the end of it. There are lessons along the way. Hard to swallow, in your face lessons. Life is short, you can’t always trust that you know how your life will turn out and never, ever take those you love for granted. The street signs are there, we just don’t always pay attention to them. I am ready for this trip to end and at the same time, I know it never will. It seems the longer I am on this road, the longer the road gets. 

I do not remember the pain from any of my children’s birth. I will however always carry the pain of losing one.

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I lost a child. Never would I have imagined this would happen to me, or our family. No more than I imagined I would lose my husband, my best friend or any one I care for. We go along in life thinking these things only happen to other people. Life is like that. Unpredictable, fleeting and full of surprises. Not all good, but certainly not all bad either. This has been not only the worst thing to happen to me personally, but the only real loss I have had in my life. I miss him. Every morning he is the first thing I think of, and the last words I speak at night are telling him goodnight and that I love him. I look for him in everything, every day. There are times where I imagine him walking with me, his brilliant smile lighting up everything around him! If I listen closely I can hear his laughter. How I miss his laughter!  I miss him in the car with me, listening to music and talking about his future. He had such great expectations for his life. It never occurred to me that he would not do all of the things he had planned. Arthur always wanted what was best for everyone, even strangers. He wanted the poor to be fed, the vulnerable to be protected and the sick to be healed. It broke his heart to see the way things were going in the world. It was difficult for him to understand why love and compassion wasn’t the norm for so many. Along this journey the gifts from him continue. I do find I have less tolerance for some things,  but I have much more compassion for most. Beings that are mistreated, disrespected and forgotten break my heart. All life is so very precious. Even those we tend to look down on in our society. ALL life should be respected at the very least. Our choices in life are our own, but sometimes the decisions we make affect all around us. Choose to be kind, smile, love and respect life. It is quite simple. An unkind word spoken can not be taken back, and could cause more damage than we know. Whereas a smile, a simple gesture, could change someone’s entire day and will most likely be passed on to another person in need. Arthur’s smile was like that… 

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