Almost two years

In just a few months we will be at the two year mark. It’s hard to believe I have not heard your voice or had one of your hugs for that long.  I am still here. I have survived one of my worst fears. When we become parents we begin worrying from day one about our children. Will they be heathy, will the be happy and so on.  Of course I never worried about one of my kids taking their own life. Least of all you. You were by far always my happiest kid. I like to think that was the case because of all of the love we all have for each other. I can tell you that you are missed every second by all of us. Someday we will all be together again and this will be but a memorie and lessons learned. I am still on the fence about the living many lives until all lessons are learned and all Karma is cleared. I do know that I never want to feel this pain again, now or in any future incarnations. My lessons have been many since your death, each with its own degree of difficulty. Happiness is still tough to grasp and laughter hard to find. My mornings are filled with the renewal of pain and my days with longing to feel you near. I am trying to keep going, stay positive and be grateful for each moment. Your dad and Wolfgang are my lifelines and without them I would not be here. Two years later and I believe the reality of it all has just become my truth. You are are gone, and I have to find a way to survive until my time comes to leave here.  The fog has finally lifted. It breaks my heart to learn of another child’s suicide. Not for the child, but for the mom. It’s not the beginning of the nightmare that is the toughest, it’s the moment the numbness goes away and we realize this is our reality. When we begin to start living again without our children, that’s when it becomes hell.