Two steps forward, three steps back..

There is nothing I want more than to feel like I used to. Joyful, looking at everyday with excitement and anticipation. But this is easier said than done. The worst thing is I feel so terribly guilty about this.. I have so many things to be happy about. A Great husband that works hard, and sacrifices so much to provide for us. I can’t imagine any man has ever loved a woman or his children like my man does. I see it in his eyes everytime he looks at me. There is this amazing being named Wolfgang that I am so honored to have in my life, he truly is the main reason I am still here. I love him with all of my heart. My parents are both still living and our grown children are happy, successful and fabulous parents to our four beautiful grand children.  So why do I not feel the spark, the wonder of what each day is going to bring? Is this normal? Do other moms that have lost children feel like this? Have I just not given my healing process enough time?
I am for sure better than say six months ago. But, I still miss him. I don’t cry everyday but I wish he was here every moment. Watching Wolfie go on in his life without his brother by his side is torture at times. The fun they could and should be having together, the adventures they should be sharing. It is still quiet most days in the house. We usually have music playing or conversation going. But it’s not the same. There isn’t the laughter, or the arguing like before. I never thought I would miss hearing the boys argue. It is true that when you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself. I am afraid that it was the best part of me that was lost that day.