So Sunday is Valentines Day.. Eleven days after that will be Arthur’s 16th birthday. This is going to be a tough one. He was looking forward to it. But, it is what it is right? So, I will make it a day of celebration, just like every year. Chocolate chip pancakes, pizza for dinner and I will buy him a gift. It will be a tree I think. Not sure what kind yet. Something strong, a tree that can endure the hardships of growth and something that will always reach for the stars, just like my Artie! You will always be mine Arthur… 😘
So, I have been paying close attention to the moments when I know Artie is around. I get goosebumps, only on my left side at times. Usually when I ask him to verify something or when he wants me to see something. Sometimes when I when I feel him I get what I thought was overwhelming feelings of loss. It would take over and I usually end up crying. I have been working on it and finally realized it is the unconditional love Arthur had for all of us that I am feeling. Like when your heart swells when you look at your children. I am wrapped in it and it is so comforting. We don’t have to give up our relationships with our loved ones when they leave their physical selves. They are still completely available to us. I have been speaking with friends, one in particular, 😜 that has regular contact with Artie as well. He still loves to hang out with the little ones too. He always took joy in being with the babies and younger kids. I suppose he is still just fulfilling that purpose. Many will think I am nuts, and some will think I’m doomed for hell, but that’s all fine and good. I love having a knowing of what is to come and I know that we never truly die. We just go home to where we started and continue on our journey. I have a lot good things still to do here. But, when my time comes, and I leave this body, I will be at ease knowing it’s just another chapter in the adventure of me! Peace and love!
For almost 2 years now, I have had the same words haunt me daily.
I constantly think about all of the things that could have possible changed the outcome of Arthur’s life. What if we never met the family that changed our lives. What if the people that hurt Artie never became part of our circle. I know that Arthur made the final choice to end his life on his own. And I also believe that it was his time to go another direction on his journey. But sometimes, times like this when I can’t sleep I wonder. If the dynamics of his life had not changed, if one person had not been hateful, would it have mattered? And I wonder if their life is as miserable as mine sometimes. I don’t wish anything bad or painful on anyone. I just hope, sometimes, that I am not the only one that loses sleep over it.
For me, one of the toughest things to do is go to yearly appointments without Arthur. Seems silly I’m sure, but it is just as tough now as a year ago. Today it was the dentist. I always took such pride in the boys whenever we went anywhere together and even the dentist was a family affair. Today, Wolfie and I went, without Artie. As I sat in the chair fighting tears I spoke to him . Told him how much I missed him, even at the dentist.. I just happened to look out the window and saw this heart in the trees. It made me smile and I knew he was with us.