I got a phone call from Artie last night. It was so good to hear his voice. He told me about the places he sees and how happy he is. I asked him when he would be coming home and he explained that he would like to stay where he is but, he would be there waiting for me when I arrive.
This was by far the most vivid dream I have had and I will cherish it forever, or until I meet up with him again on the shores of the beach he spoke of! Thank you Artie!! Mom really needed this!! Love you more!!!
With Christmas right around the corner, I am finding it hard to hold back tears. I miss my boy so much it is agonizing. I just keep reminding myself of all of the amazing time we did have together. Our family is wonderful,, always has been. It’s just that this will be not only our second Christmas without Artie but also our fist without some sort of plan. No grandbabies, no parties, and no real Christmas excitement. No gingerbread houses being picked apart by little fingers.. I miss all of it, the anticipation of seeing the kids all open their gifts, playing outside after and of course all of the cooking! There will be none if that this year. I don’t know that there ever will be again.. That breaks my heart.
To all of the moms I have met on this journey… I was outside a short while ago after some pretty nasty storms blew through our area yesterday and today. The sun is shining through the last of the clouds and I thought about all of you. No matter the storm we suffer or the pain we endure, we are survivors. Our children are happy to see this. They are proud to look upon us and say “that’s my mom!” I love you all and even though we were brought together under the worst of circumstances, I am honored to call all of you Sister!
In the still of the morning I lie awake listening for your voice. I am overcome with pain once again. I am always surprised when these moments hit me. The fleeting second right when I wake up, and I feel like it was all a dream. A horrible long nightmare. Then, my brain kicks my heart all over again an I remember. You are gone from this physical existence that I must endure. How many years will I have to live without you? How many times will it all run through my mind like a bad movie? How many times will I ask why?
Two years ago, we were making wrapping paper, preparing for Christmas parties and wrapping gifts. My life truly was perfect. It never occurred to me that would ever change. But is has changed. Although Christmas has lost some of its sparkle for me, I am looking forward to sharing our time and a few gifts with the homeless in our area. We don’t know their stories and we don’t need to. They are just as important as anyone else and deserve have some Christmas Hope. Maybe this is one of those good things that I can say has come out of Arthur’s death. He always had a soft spot for those in need and I think he will be proud of what we are doing. I hope everyone will do at least one thing for those less fortunate this year. Maybe even throughout the coming year. Imagine if every person did a good thing for another everyday, how much the world could change.. 😇