Letting Go..

I have been trying so hard this past year trying to come to terms with the fact that Arthur had a problem he felt he could not come to me with. That boy and I talked about everything. So why then? Why would he not come to me with biggest issue of his life? I believe he did not come to me because of his love for me. Ever since he was little he spent his days making me happy. Taking care of me and Wolfgang was all he ever thought to do. I think when he realized there was something wrong, and I believe he knew this, he didn’t want to worry me. He knew kids that were medicated regularly and that was something he would never have stood for. We had talked about this at length before. When things started changing for him he kept it inside until he felt he had to stop the thoughts in his mind, one way or another. A year later we of course know more than we did in the time after his death. I wanted to blame the world, every person that came into contact with my baby, myself included. It was so much easier to feel the anger than to endure pain. Being a teenager is never easy. Puberty can totally mess up a young persons head. This is scientifically a fact. Maybe some kids just don’t adjust to the changes as well as others. I think Artie was one of those kids. He was fighting his own demons and when things got so out of whack that last year, it was just to much for him. The stress of things going on in our lives just finally took their toll. I do not believe it was something he thought about for a long period of time. Looking back now I can see things those last few months that could have been warning signs but, we chalked it up to the “teenage” thing. He was not sleeping well, was not eating as usual and had lost interest in a few things that he had always done. Then we found out he had told people about nightmares he had been having and of course there are the kids that he told that night that he was thinking about suicide. But we knew none of this. Teenagers are super good at hiding what they want. At this time, I have found myself at a place where it is time to stop looking for a why. The fact is Arthur is gone from this world. He is on adventures we can only imagine and I know he is happy. I also know for a fact that he is still here with us quite often. No longer will I ask why, and I have let go of all guilt and blame. My grief has been for myself, the loss of my son and the life we had. And now I choose to let it go.. It serves nothing..