This time last year, my life was perfect. Kurt’s job was going great, we had hobbies we did as a family and the boys both appeared to be doing well with their social lives and school was under way for the year. Arthur was just starting high school and Wolfgang was beginning middle school. Life was at an all time high for me. Little did I know my son, my best buddy was fighting for his.
I can’t help but wonder if we had known, if only he said just once that he needed help, maybe he would still be here. If the people that hurt him had apologized, if the girl he adored was still his girl, maybe if I had been more aware. Behind his smile and laughter was covering a struggle that only he knew about. He tried so hard to always help and make people smile. It hurt his heart whenever he thought someone was in pain. Arthur was the one the other kids talked to about their problems. He was the older kid all the younger boys looked up to in our neighborhood. And nobody saw his pain. That’s how much he worried about everyone else. He didn’t want to put his pain out there for people to see.
Even in death he is still teaching us about love, acceptance and the importance of just being good to each other. We know now how important it is to let the people you love know how much they mean to you. Every moment of everyday, I think of him. I wonder if what we are doing now would make him happy. Is he okay with the decisions we have made? I would like to think he is proud of the way we have survived, as a family.
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