I’ve been riding a wave for 10 months. It’s not bad when I am on top of it. I can get air, see the light and for a moment, I forget. Then, just like that, I drop.. I can’t breath, I’m spinning out of control and can’t get myself upright. The hardest part as I’m clawing at the sand is not to allow myself to go out with the current.
Even more than I miss Arthur, I miss me, I miss my life before.. I miss laughter, I miss sleeping well, great meals and family trips. I miss having a plan, knowing what we were doing each day. I miss cooking breakfast for the boys, arguing about what’s for lunch and who’s turn it is to take out the garbage. I miss the sweaty boy smell, picking up dirty clothes and trying to get out yet another grass stain. I miss seeing him sleeping in his bed with his dog next to him, even though she wasn’t allowed on the bed. I would give anything to hear the boys fight over silly things and five minutes later hear them laughing about some goofy video. I miss the before because the after just sucks.
The anger is what I hate! I am not typically an angry person. But some days I feel consumed with it. Angry at everything. Families that still have their sons, the people that I feel had some small part in the shit that Arthur went through the last few months before he died. I am pissed that he didn’t talk to me more. Mostly, I am so furious that I wasn’t given a chance to stop it. Just a heads up, a message from my inner mom senses that something was wrong that night. There was nothing. That boys entire life I always knew when something was bothering him. The one time he needed me more than any other, I totally missed it!! How am I supposed to live with that? How do I stop the anger from eating me alive inside?
For me, at this moment, the thing I miss the most is Arthur’s amazing laugh and that smile! His laugh was infectious. It didn’t matter what was going on, if he laughed, all was good. It is the little things in life we will miss the most when they are taken away. The very things we take for granted are the things I would give anything to have back in my life..
When Arthur died, I was left with a hole in my heart. An empty, dark and lonely place. I visit this place often throughout my day. Sometimes I stay a moment, other times much longer. I go there not by any choice of my own. The purpose for the hole is not of my doing and such a place should never have been created. But it’s there. When I am in it, it is dark, cold and miserable. It swallows me whole and slowly sucks the life out of me. This place, this darkness is really where I go to heal. I can cry there, scream there, and feel the anguish and agony of my loss. Then, when I am done with grieving for the moment, the hole becomes a place that reminds me of a boy. An amazing boy that I am honored and blessed to have mothered. A boy that I continue to love with all of my heart. It has been said, there is no light without the darkness. I live with both..