It’s been eight months Artie. Some days it feels like years, others, only moments. Everything is different. Mostly though, I am different. It’s as though there is half of me living here in this reality and the other half is off just waiting to be whole again. Waiting in a magical garden, listening to birds sing, watching the fairies dart from flower to flower. There is a sweet song that plays in the distance. Always with one eye on the horizon, waiting for the moment when you are there. The moment when nothing will have changed.
Well Artie, I think I should a t-shirt that says “I survived Mother’s Day 2015” I gotta tell ya kid this was a tough one. I struggled all day. I just wanted to scream quite honestly. Daddy and Wolfie made it a great day though. We worked in the garden most of the day. Daddy helped me hang more bird feeders, we put out a few houses for the little finches and got some feeders up for the squirrels. They took me to dinner at the Hibachi. That is always fun. I of course had you on my mind. We have had a lot of fun there huh? My heart is full with love but stills aches for a hug from you. I love you baby. You are still one of my greatest joys…
If this does not make you think I have totally lost it, nothing will.
So, I was working in the yard today. This is an all day thing around here with weeding and mowing etc.. I was mowing up close to the house so I was going pretty slow on the mower. Being careful not to run over anything I was carefully watching where I was going. My eye caught a small white ball moving through the grass. Trying hard to be more mindful of all creatures, I move it out-of-the-way with a stick not really knowing what it was. Here in South Texas we have some crazy bugs so I didn’t pay much attention. As I was getting back on the mower something else in the grass got my attention. It was a Wolf spider. Now, let me tell you, I really am terrified of spiders. It has gotten better since I started this journey but I still am not fond of them. I was going to go about my business and ignore said spider when it occurred to me it seemed almost frantic. Moving very rapidly from spot to spot in the grass. At first I though maybe I had run over it and injured it or stepped on it. But hey, it’s just a spider right? I sat there on the mower, just watching fascinated by how fast this things was moving, back and forth through the grass. In the area from which I moved the white ball…. And then it hits me.. This little tiny white ball was her egg sack. This creature, that I really do not care for, was a mom just like me. It all made sense now. The frantic movements were her looking for her babies. And for a brief moment, I imagined her feeling the pain I have felt for the last eight months. Through my tears I went searching for the little white ball that I tossed out of harms way, or so I thought. I was beginning to panic because I could not find it. The last thing I wanted to do was cause any living creature the same pain I have felt since Arthur died. Finally I found the tiny sack up next to the house. Then I am face with having to figure out how to get it back to this mama. She is still frantically searching by the way! I get a leaf and gently scoop it up and lay it as close to her as I can get. For a second my movement startles her so she does noting but sit in a frozen stance. Then she sees her sack and runs and covers it with her body. No movement, nothing just a mama protecting her young. I am blubbering by this point and reeling from the lesson that the universe has just taught me. Every person, every living creature feels love for something. Not all in the same way but it’s there, in some form or another.. Does this not prove we should treat every creature with respect and caring? It certainly changes my view on spiders..
When Arthur died, almost eight months ago, our lives were perfect. We were an awesome family. We did everything together. There was laughter, fun, music and adventure all of the time. We had the same kind of issues other families had but we were different. I thought in that moment, the moment I found my boy, that it was all over. My world I could not imagine would ever have any fulfillment or happiness again. I had all but decided that my daily existence would be spent waiting for my time here to be over, the sooner the better as far as I was concerned. Thank goodness I have changed my way of thinking. I am not the same woman I was that day, before I went into his room. That person no longer exists. The life we all knew is gone, along with Arthur’s physical self.
But… My life is full. I have love, and family. I have friends, old and new. I have my health and I know Arthur is still with us in spirit. My own spirituality has grown so much. No longer do I question what is to come. There is no fear in dying for me. Life here is but an extension of our spirit selves. A journey of learning, solving and growing. Our loved ones never truly leave us. They help guide us and they are always with us to share life’s ups and downs. This is such comfort for me. I will miss the hugs from Arthur physically always, but I am content with the ones I get from him spiritually now.. I am far from healed of the pain and grief. I do not kid myself about that. My family and I are continuing our adventure together, just with more gratitude and love in our hearts.
I dreamt of Artie last night. It was wonderful! He was a little guy in the dream, maybe four or so. He was having a nightmare and kept saying he didn’t know who was. I just held him and told him he was Arthur, my baby.. I could feel him, smell him and feel his need for me to comfort him. Quite amazing really. This is only the third dream I have had of him since he died. I wish I could have them more often..
With Mothers day less than a week away, I can feel the pain building. This is another one of those firsts without Artie. He was always the first one to wish me a Happy Mothers day.. I am keeping track of all of the firsts, counting them down, checking them off one by one. It is my countdown to healing. I keep telling myself, it will get easier once I get to the year mark.. All of the firsts will have been conquered, there won’t be that fear everyday of looking at the calendar to see what is coming up. Hopefully I will begin to really heal at this point…
When we are babies, we learn to walk before we can run. Most kids anyway. Arthur ran before he ever considered walking. He was curious about everything and afraid of nothing. He wanted to experience everything he could. Looking back, I understand that he knew time was not long for him here. I am striving to be more like that. So many things are coming to my realization and I am absorbing all I can. If we just have faith in our own selves, our true selves, everything else will come easy. Our higher self will always know what is best for us, and will direct you on to that path. Your human self is all about ego most of the time and this can blind us to the truth. Trust in what you hear outside your brain, listen to your heart and your inner voice for the answers you need. You can trust this because it is this part of you that knows best. Even if you get hurt along the way, the outcome will always be for the greater good. I can say this even in my loss because I have seen it. Many gracious and wonderful things have come about since Arthur died. I will always wish he were still here physically, and I will always ache for his hugs, love and that smile. But, I can see now that the things that teach us the most are not always the easiest road to travel.