Moving forward

Something has been really weighing on my mind the last several days. You all know that I have tried very hard to be as positive as I could be these last eight months. With great difficulty sometimes I would say. Before Arthur passed I tried to be positive as well. Wasn’t always easy. Life can be challenging at best, and I let it get to me and sometimes, for a while, I forgot who I was and what was important.  Now, I feel like I am getting to an actual healing point in all of this. Maybe it is the fact that I know he is still with me, maybe it is just time. I am not sure. But I know that being more positive and living a more grateful life has certainly given me some peace. Everything I do, almost everything,  🙂 I give thanks that I am here and capable of doing it. All that I receive, whether it is rain, money, sunshine or just more birds in my yard, I give thanks. I am also more mindful of my actions. How I speak to people, how I care for my animals, my garden, my home and family. They way I see the world is directly related to how I treat people now. Every person we come across  has a purpose in our lives.  These things all have a profound effect on life. Should I feel guilt for wanting to laugh and smile? Should I worry that I am not honoring my son by moving forward?  I don’t believe so. I know him and he does not want any of us to stop living.  I will always miss Artie physically but I cannot make myself and everyone around me suffer for the loss forever. I have a lot of years left and so much more life to live, love to make, smiles to see and laughter to hear.
Try it…  When you wake each morning, before you lift you head off of that pillow, say thank you. You made it to another day. How wonderful!

I choose happiness and love!

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” – Wayne Dyer

I have known complete, unconditional love, I have felt pride and joy, my life has been really good, even perfect most of the time. But today, and these last eight months, I have been broken. My world came apart in the blink of an eye. Building this new life and getting to know this new me has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced.

I am stronger for it. My family is closer because of it.  I believe in miracles. I know in my heart there are so many things to learn about ourselves, about God and about the truth that so many have not yet accepted. I choose to be happy. I agree to thrive, and I will  always serve the earth and treat all living things with love. It is in the end all about the love…

“We are not human beings in search of a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings emersed in a human experience.”  ― Wayne W. Dyer

If you have never read any of Dr. Dyer ‘ s work, I suggest you do so..

What is your life plan?

Last year at this time, I thought I had it all figured out.. I was going to grow old with the love of my life, watch our boys grow into men and enjoy our grand children. But, as you all know by now, the Divine  had a different plan for me. I can’t pretend to know exactly what is in store. But I do know it includes more joy. It will be about living, reaching out, making the world a better place and loving all life as it is. We can’t decide what souls to reach out to.. We have to extend love and understanding to each that crosses our path. I will secure a bond with own soul as well on this new journey.  I will still grow old with this man of mine, still see Wolfgang become an amazing man and have family around us always. There is a part of me that is finally, just a little, looking forward to the future.  🙂

The before me, and the now me…

After seeing Lynn Ragan and Chip Oney’s post this morning it got me to thinking. I have said all along I am not the same. It has just not occurred to me that I may be actually grieving two losses.  I not only lost Arthur, I lost myself. My smile, my laughter, my daily joy of just being here with my boys every day.
Yes I still have kids, and yes I still have a full life that I am grateful for. But the me now wishes the me then was still here. That would mean nothing has changed.
Although…. Some of the changes have been for the good. I am more aware of life. The very existence of my breath is a blessing. Every living creature, animals, humans, trees even spiders :), deserve our respect. We are all of one spirit. How we treat others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
Some of the changes are kind of off the chart for me. I can barely tolerate noise. Just the sound of my dish washer drives me insane. Traffic, telelvisions, air conditioning, all drive me bananas.  I prefer the quiet of my garden, peaceful loving conversation and Wolfgang’s and all of my grand baby’s laughter! I also thrive to hear the sound of water. Even just the sound of the swimming pool water is incredibly soothing.. I want to put in a fountain out by the firepit. 😁 The point here is for moms to know, when you lose a child, everything is different even you. You will never be the same, your life before is done. But this does not mean we can’t still have a good life, one filled with love and laughter. Our children never leaves us really anyway. They are right here with us every step of the way..

In my magic garden..

It’s been eight months Artie. Some days it feels like years, others, only moments. Everything is different. Mostly though, I am different. It’s as though there is half of me living here in this reality and the other half is off just waiting to be whole again. Waiting in a magical garden, listening to birds sing, watching the fairies dart from flower to flower. There is a sweet song that plays in the distance. Always with one eye on the horizon, waiting for the moment when you are there. The moment when nothing will have changed.

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