The before me, and the now me…

After seeing Lynn Ragan and Chip Oney’s post this morning it got me to thinking. I have said all along I am not the same. It has just not occurred to me that I may be actually grieving two losses.  I not only lost Arthur, I lost myself. My smile, my laughter, my daily joy of just being here with my boys every day.
Yes I still have kids, and yes I still have a full life that I am grateful for. But the me now wishes the me then was still here. That would mean nothing has changed.
Although…. Some of the changes have been for the good. I am more aware of life. The very existence of my breath is a blessing. Every living creature, animals, humans, trees even spiders :), deserve our respect. We are all of one spirit. How we treat others is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
Some of the changes are kind of off the chart for me. I can barely tolerate noise. Just the sound of my dish washer drives me insane. Traffic, telelvisions, air conditioning, all drive me bananas.  I prefer the quiet of my garden, peaceful loving conversation and Wolfgang’s and all of my grand baby’s laughter! I also thrive to hear the sound of water. Even just the sound of the swimming pool water is incredibly soothing.. I want to put in a fountain out by the firepit. 😁 The point here is for moms to know, when you lose a child, everything is different even you. You will never be the same, your life before is done. But this does not mean we can’t still have a good life, one filled with love and laughter. Our children never leaves us really anyway. They are right here with us every step of the way..