The Bridge to Peace..

Well, I made it through another first. I hate that there is a running tally in my mind for this crap. I keep telling myself that once I can get to the one year mark this will get easier. No more firsts, I will have had them all by then. 
I did have a good time with my oldest son and his family. Twin two year olds can certainly take your mind off of things for a time. Plus, they wore this Mimi out and I slept quite well last night.
On the drive home, Wolfgang fast asleep in the passenger seat, I did a lot of thinking. Ran many memories of Arthur’s life like movies playing in my mind. He was such a happy baby.  He came into this world like a whirlwind. His presence was know by everyone right away. Shortly after he arrived he aspirated on breast milk of all things. The baby I had waited for so long died in my arms. I remember nurses running in, grabbing him from me and I heard the Code Blue call. I don’t remember much after that. But I do remember telling him not to leave. I told him that we needed him to live, he had to fight for us because  we  had all waited so long for him to come into our family. I begged him not to leave me.. He was flown by helicopter to Huntsville, Alabama to the NICU there.  By the time I got to the hospital, he was doing very well. Holding his little head up looking around the unit. I knew then, he would be okay. And he was. Arthur stayed because I needed him to. He stayed almost 15 years here because I needed him. He fought a hidden fight that eventually he could no longer win. I will be forever grateful to him for staying with me. As much as I miss him, I think I finally see that it was better for him to go now than to stay and continue fighting his own mind, just because we needed him here. I know that he would never do anything to deliberately hurt any of us. That is why I know he was not clear that morning. He was just done with the pain that none of us knew was there. I have asked myself a thousand times why he did not talk to me. I believe he saw the path to cross the bridge to peace and he took it that morning. I think maybe he had been at that path once before and turned around because I begged him not to leave me. This time, I didn’t know he was there.