God, I miss my boy…

We went to the park today. Didn’t stay long,  just long enough to realize it will never be the same without Artie. I love our Amtgard family but it’s just not the same.  Watching the  kids on skateboards today made me think about how Arthur was into everything. There was nothing he would not try.
As hard as I am trying to keep it together, there are so many reminders that our lives will never be the same. I am still a mom and wife that needs to be strong. But God help me I am still dying inside.. I still get angry when I see families together. I still want to scream when I pull in the driveway without him. I want my son and our lives back the way they were! By no means were we a perfect family, but together we were whole. We are not anymore, no matter how hard I try..

Just a little clarification.

My last post was really more geared to television than video games. I do believe that video games played for hours a day, several days a week is not good regardless of the game. Even non violent games in excess are too much. Hopefully children know the difference between reality and fantasy enough to not get sucked in. If kids do not realize the difference, their problems go beyond an issue with video games. Over indulgence is never good here..

Television on the other hand is showing humans. Real people being beaten, tortured and mutilated for the world to see. We make murderers and abusers  technically stars in there own minds. We give them the fame and popularity they seek. We write books about them..  The news media thinks nothing of showing beheadings, war footage and the aftermath of natural disasters. The importance of knowing these things are going on is undeniable but showing the graphic video and photos should not be part of that. Sadly this started with video back during the Vietnam war. At least then we were for the most part still shocked by what we saw. Now the entertainment industry has to continually “up the anti” so to speak.

I read the news today oh boy!

I read an article today about how all the negativity we see on the news and social media is affecting the mental state of many people in our society. I have always been a firm believer in “trash in, trash out”. We have become so desensitized to the horror that is flashed before our eyes daily. Horror movies get more and more graphic, video games more violent and the news media show footage that is beyond horrific. It is impossible not to feel negative when these things are all around us everyday. People will argue that these thing do not have an affect people. I have a good example…
When Wolfgang was little and in the hospital, there was not much for him to do. One of the nurses brought a gaming console in for him to play. He was maybe 3 years old at the time. He would play for 30 minutes or so and they would have to come in because his heart rate was going up to fast. He wasn’t playing violent games, Luigis’s Mansion was what he played most, but it made us realize how the games can really effect you. If they could have this effect on your heart and blood pressure in 30 minutes, imagine daily assault of the garbage on your mind.
There was a time when television programming was geared toward families. Games were played around the kitchen table. Shows were about families, the struggles, the joys and happiness of being in a family. Maybe some were unrealistic but they gave us something to model ourselves after. Treating each other with love and respect, going to bat for one another no matter what. Family was what held this country together. We didn’t have to lock our doors. Neighbors sat outside, grilled together and helped keep an eye on each other. When did this all change?
More importantly, can we change it back?

Writers Block

I have not posted regularly for over a week now. I am not sure why really. Normally I would wake up with some thought or feeling that would inspire me to write.  This has not been the case. I have also noticed that the signs from Artie have been almost nonexistant this week. I can’t help but to think there is some connection between the two. When Arthur was still here physically, he was always an inspiration to everyone that knew him. 
Our family has so many changes coming.  So many adventures lie ahead of us. Wolfgang is growing up fast and we don’t want to waste a moment with him. We intend to travel as much as possible this year. Our older kids and their families are spread out so the opportunities for visits are good.. 🙂
My spiritual growth is becoming a true blessing. I continue to find peace in my meditation. There are still days when I feel a tremendous loss but I move forward knowing everything will fall into place as it should be. My moments with Arthur will come when they are needed most. For now I use my time to share our story, build the foundation and continue making memories with family and friends. We are blessed to find it difficult to distinguish between the two.  
I love all of you and thank you once again for your support and the love I feel from you all!!
Have a blessed day and and remember to breath.. Life is in our breath….Breath in positive, breath out out negative.. 🌝♈

Opposites Attract

I so enjoyed the time we spent with our grand babies.. Time is going by so fast. They will be two in April already.. They are fraternal twins and very different in many ways. So different in fact that they already fuss with each other. It got me to thinking about how different each of us is.
The very people you need the most in your life can be polar opposites of you, yet critical to your well being and happiness. My two best friends in the world are completely different than me but my life would be pointless without them. And don’t get me started on how not alike Kurt and are! But as different as we are, we make a whole person together. And Wolfgang and Arthur were certainly nothing alike but when Arthur left it became clear how much his little brother needed him.
I am really not sure there is a point to this. But when you are in a car by yourself for 4 hours, talking to your son in spirit, you come up with some odd stuff.. 😛
When we try and make sense out of life, sometimes we just can’t figure out how things go together. Like darkness and light. You cannot have one without the other. Happiness and sorrow are each at the opposite ends of the spectrum but, without knowing sorrow and grief we never fully appreciate the joy and happiness that life also brings. Looking at the loss of Arthur, as hard as it has been has brought me to know so much more about gratitude for just the simplest of things.

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