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I don’t want this, I didn’t ask for it… 

I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry, God I am so tired of crying! I don’t want to look out of the window and hold my breath just hoping this has all been a horrible dream and Artie will come running through the back gate.. I am tired of losing track of my days. Sometimes hours pass and I have been sitting in the same spot. I want to be strong, I want to go on with my life. I want…. What I want is my son back. I want my life back! I want the person that caused him so much pain that he left us to know the pain I am feeling. I want someone to explain to me why did I not see this coming? How could I have not seen this coming? How could a mom, not know her baby was in trouble? How could I spend everyday, countless hours with him and not know? My head tells me one thing, but my heart does not understand any of it!

4 thoughts on “I don’t want this, I didn’t ask for it… ”

  1. Never ever deny yourself the feelings you are feeling…however, give them a space and a time limit…Look for the light and peace will find your heart.

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  2. There is an entire world outside your window holding its breath with you and for you. I have never met you… but I can honestly say I love you. For the mother and woman that you are and that I see you becoming. I dont know if you see your strength yet but its there. I know it is because I have seen first-hand your words bring solace to another grieving parent as they say “finally someone gets it” & they realise they arent alone in this. Whatever reason you are writing this keep writing it… your words are helping people cope.

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  3. Your blog is a blessing to so many others Lann. Sharing your pain and grief, knowing how it helps others will hopefully give you some peace as well.

    I love you

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