I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to cry, God I am so tired of crying! I don’t want to look out of the window and hold my breath just hoping this has all been a horrible dream and Artie will come running through the back gate.. I am tired of losing track of my days. Sometimes hours pass and I have been sitting in the same spot. I want to be strong, I want to go on with my life. I want…. What I want is my son back. I want my life back! I want the person that caused him so much pain that he left us to know the pain I am feeling. I want someone to explain to me why did I not see this coming? How could I have not seen this coming? How could a mom, not know her baby was in trouble? How could I spend everyday, countless hours with him and not know? My head tells me one thing, but my heart does not understand any of it!
Never ever deny yourself the feelings you are feeling…however, give them a space and a time limit…Look for the light and peace will find your heart.
There is an entire world outside your window holding its breath with you and for you. I have never met you… but I can honestly say I love you. For the mother and woman that you are and that I see you becoming. I dont know if you see your strength yet but its there. I know it is because I have seen first-hand your words bring solace to another grieving parent as they say “finally someone gets it” & they realise they arent alone in this. Whatever reason you are writing this keep writing it… your words are helping people cope.
I am so touched by your words.. I don’t even know how to respond. Thank you for giving me this today..
Your blog is a blessing to so many others Lann. Sharing your pain and grief, knowing how it helps others will hopefully give you some peace as well.
I love you