When you try and explain to yourself how you are feeling after the loss it is very hard to do. Is it weird that I even try? I really want to understand the process of my healing. My head is finally starting to come to terms I guess with it all. I know Arthur is not coming back to me physically. I am beyond the ” it doesn’t seem real” phase. It is all to real now. I don’t feel as though I can’t go on anymore. I actually breath without reminding myself to do so.
How do I feel at almost five months in?
I FEEL CHEATED! Cheated out of a life I was looking forward to. Watching Arthur fall in love, marry and have children. Cheated out of watching he and Wolfgang grow into amazing young men together, and be best friends. Cheated out of the big family holidays with tons of grandkids running around. Watching all of them as cousins grow and play together. We will still have family holidays but they will never be the same, no matter what we try and pull off. I have been cheated out of watching Arthur get his license and worrying everytime he got in his car. The car he would have redone. His 1964 Beetle. God, he loved that car.. Standing in the drive way watching him drive off to college, or his first job. I don’t get that now. We won’t sit on the porch when I am old he and I, and share stories of his childhood. I will never again feel that amazing hug.
On the other hand, I feel lucky and blessed. Lucky because I am his mom. Blessed because I learned more from Artie than probably any one person in my life. I’m just sorry it took his leaving to realize it. I am lucky because I get to watch his legacy go on in the people that love him and the people that are hearing his story, and I am beyond proud to be the one telling it!
Lives have and will continue to change because of this crazy, smart, fun and incredibly lovable kid named Arthur..