Rantings of a broken homeschool mom…

Socialize your kids they said,
It will be fun they said….

It was fun for a while.
But even with all of my protection,
All of our talks, All of the teaching about good and bad, right and wrong,
Evil still found its way into our lives and it cost me my son.

I was asleep and I woke suddenly with this thought. …
If this woman had not come into our lives, would Arthur still be here?
Would we be planning the weekend tomorrow? Would he have been here today instead of my sitting in his room crying? Maybe, maybe not.
If our lives here are planned before we even come to this earthly existence, would anything have changed the outcome? Suppose Arthur did leave so those of us left behind could learn from it. Will humanity be saved? Probably not. Will global warming just instantly reverse itself? Ummm,, no! Will we stop and consider OUR purpose here? Will we smile at the guy at the check out counter after we stood in line FOREVER, behind a woman with two screaming kids and a stack of coupons?? Will we hug our kids a little more and tell our spouses how honored we are to be married to them? Are we a little more grateful for things we never even noticed before? I hope so, I really hope so…

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3 thoughts on “Rantings of a broken homeschool mom…

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  1. Our Sam died on March 2, 2013….so in 24 days from today, we are coming up on two years, without him. I died with him that sunny day in March. We have entirely different lives now, like you do. Like we all, with lost children do. I am a very involved Mother like you. I home schooled for a couple of years. I hated the middle school and high school years, going to “THOSE BUILDINGS” with all of the kids and influences pulling them every which way.

    I quit my job to home school. When the kids wanted to go back to the high school, I decided to NOT go back to my job, which was still avalilable if I wanted it. SURE, we needed that money, but chose to do without it. I wanted to stay here with the boys to see it through…getting them through the high school years and onto college or whatever they were planning for their lives……I was with them 24/7, every day. All the neighborhood kids hung out here. It was chaotic at times, but it was great. I cooked for them all, constantly. They talked with me. The principal of the high school said to me more than once “Mrs. Williams you have a very unique relationship with these kids, they trust you, they confide in you”. He was right, I did. I thought I was doing everything RIGHT. I KNOW I was doing everything right. Yet, still, our son died in a freak accidental moment.

    To this day I run the “What if” video through my head. I wonder, like you, WHY????? WHY my son!??? I wonder if I’d not left that day, would he be alive…..I wonder if I’d made a million other choices, would he be alive today? I watch some rotten guys we know, close to his age, at the gas station, and wonder HOW DO THEY GET TO LIVE and Sam died? I see kids of broken families, whose kids one would EXPECT, to not do well in life, yet….there they are, ALIVE. I wonder, who is supposed to learn from this, and WHAT….just like you are saying. I wonder, every day, how I will live the rest of my life without my Sam.

    There are NO ANSWERS to these questions. That does not stop the questions to run through our minds.

    I do not know the story of “The woman” you are referring to….so please, forgive me, if I’m not understanding the impact she had on Artie’s choices. I’m only trying to share with you that I think you are totally normal with your thoughts and feelings.

    I know you recently saw a Medium. I went to one of the best Psychic- Mediums I’ve sat with, for a private reading last month. Sam was present, and other family I never expected to hear from. So many validations, it was such a comfort to know he is ok and not GONE.

    He even knew what I’d bought at the grocery store the previous night! His favorite ham, which I have not been able to buy since he died. I about, fell off the chair, when she said “Sam is saying HAM”…..She didn’t understand, she smiled and laughed thinking he was saying “he was a ham”, like a jokester, but I knew….it was the Rosemary Ham that he loved so much, that he was referring to. As I was asking for it at Wegman’s, not expecting them to have it, I felt Sam with me, in my mind, I knew he was there. I used to travel to Baltimore, to a wonderful Italian store once a month and that was the only place that had this Rosemary ham….I would have to buy two pounds, as Sam would eat an entire pound himself.

    Ohhhh the yearning….to know they really are with us but we just cannot see them…..one thing that Janet, the Medium said was “Kelly, I cannot tell you WHY this happened to you, to Sam, to your family. You will know when you are with them in Spirit. Then, it will all make sense.” I believe her.
    I sat crying, telling the Medium that I missed him so much, I just wanted to be with him, I want him to come get me, now….She said he could not do that. Sam said, through her, many things. He reminded me that he loved me so much and he said, “It is what it is, Mom”, “It is, what it is.”

    One day, you and I will both know the why’s. Maybe we’ll be so happy to be reunited with our boys in Spirit , that we will even forget to ask why.

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    1. Why my boy? I ask myself this every day. In my session with the medium Arthur conveyed to me that he could do more good in spirit than here in the physical. I don’t like the idea but I have to admit that seeing so many people finding comfort and some even saying that our story saved their lives make it seem maybe he is right about that.

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  2. First hand! I know you to be one of the best Mothers there is. You do all you can to keep your children safe and out of harms way. You have always done the best you can to protect and keep them out of the path of evil people. It isn’t always possible no matter how hard you try, there is so much evil in this world. So please never question yourself.

    Know yourself for the Mother you are and be proud, I know in my heart Arthur is proud of you.

    Love You

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