Runners, take your mark!

Going to do my first Color Run today. Arthur was going to help me get ready for a Gritty Godess run last October. He left before we could start. I am not really ready for this thing physically. Its a good thing it is more of a walk than a run. So today I will hopefully feel him by my side. I feel his presence more and more as time goes on. It has only been four months and some days it feels like a year already. Keeping myself busy helps the time go by. We got to spend time with friends we don’t as often as we would like yesterday. It was nice and relaxing. The blog is the best thing I could have done. Even if no one ever reads it again I will continue writing. I am amazed every day though at how many people follow and support it. I would like to come up with a way us can all meet up. A cruise maybe? Or a trip to a beach. The Ocean is very healing. Arthur loved the beach. I swear that boy was part fish. Took to water instantly when he was a baby.
I will post pictures of the run later this evening. Wish me luck and everyone have a wonderful day..

2015/01/img_1023-0.jpg

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

The following is a comment left on my Facebook page. It concerned me that maybe my message is not making sense.

You said he was not troubled. Why, then would he take his life. I have experienced suicide of a loved one up close and personal. , but I know if he had not been troubled… it wouldn’t have happened. Sorry for your loss.
Like · Reply · 2 hrs

When this started, I like many other moms needed answers. Many young people that take their lives have had obvious issues that brought them to the decision. If they were not so apparent, the answers were discovered soon after. In our case, Arthur did not show any signs of depression, no self harm issue that we knew of, no angry outbursts. Nothing! Our family was together all the time. Arthur did not run the streets. Did not do drugs or drink alcohol. We knew he was bummed about the issue that came about within our homeschool group. It was hard for him to come to terms with it for some time. He was bothered by the the break up with his girlfriend, but again he seemed to be okay with it for sometime before that night. He was a teenage boy. There was nothing different really until the day he left. And it was nothing we saw or heard at the time. It was all things we came to realize after the fact sadly.
It is so important to educate families, from our experience, that you may not get the “hey I need help” cry from a young person thinking about suicide. Every situation is different. Teenagers all have some struggle at some point. Sometimes they can hide their problems extremely well. Even when you have a relationship like Arthur and I did. We did everything together and talked about life stuff all the time. You don’t always know what is going on in their minds.

From one grieving mom to another…

Everytime I hear of another young person taking their life it breaks my heart all over again. I want to go to the mom, be there through this nightmare. Help her to understand the stages that she will go through. Hold  her and not say a word. Go with my Suburban packed with kleenex to wipe the millions of tears she will shed. Tell her the truth. It will not ever get better. The loss will stay with you always. You now have two lives. The one before and the one after. So many things will be referred to in these ways. Before and after…

Then I would tell her tell her these things…. You will go on. Life will carry you to the next phase whether you want to go or not. Your coping mechanism will become your lifeline. You will stop crying non-stop. There will come a time when you will be brave enough to put on makeup with out the fear of it just washing away with tears. You will brush your hair more that once a week and you will finally get some sleep. Hell, you might even shave your legs again! 😜 And one day you will hear laughter and realize with an almost guilty feeling that is coming from you. This will be the real beginning of the healing. When you can laugh, when you can tell your story with the hope it will help another family cope, or even prevent this from happening to them. I promise this to be truth..

Side note:     I want to thank all of you for following and sharing my blog and the Facebook page. I get so many messages of love from people and it truly warms my heart. I did this for my own healing, but I am so grateful it is helping some of you with yours as well.  
Peace, love and blessings to you all..

Have your pets spayed an neutered..  (always wanted to have a place to say that 😄)

To everything there is a season…

The last of this great weather has sadly passed. Lots of rain coming again the next several days. My intention today was to work in the yard before it turned nasty again. That was not to be…..
We still have water sitting everywhere, I sunk a good inch walking thru the yard, weed eater died and the deck came off the lawn mower. Pretty sure it was just not meant for me to get anything accomplished outside.

My motto has ALWAYS been, EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.. I’m sure it surprises people to know that I still do believe this. Losing my Arthur has been undeniably the worst thing I have ever been through. My world is and always will be missing a little sunshine.
But… Since I started the blog, I have been contacted by so many people. Kids that feel they have no where to turn. Survivors that are so glad that their attempt was unsuccessful. Siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles.
And then there are the moms. Women who are dying a little inside with each passing day. Moms that start to head for their child’s bedroom and are stopped in their track when reality, once again, reminds her that he or she is not there. Women that scream when no one is around to hear them.. Moms that beg everyday for some peace in the agony we now call our lives.
We all get it. We are all in this together now.
What could possibly be the reason that I lost my son? How could there ever be anything remotely considered good that can come out of this? So I could tell this story. His story… Arthur Robert Aldag was a healer of people. A boy that was way beyond his years. And through him others will learn to love a little more, care a little deeper and maybe, just maybe change the way we treat each other. Who knows, it could in some small way change the world.

Be kind to each other…..

2015/01/img_1015.jpg

Where I find my Peace

This might end up sounding like I have really gone off the deep end, but if so then so be it.

When Arthur had his 14th birthday, I swear I felt a shift in my universe. I remember having a conversation with Kurt one night around that time and I told him I felt like time was slipping away. I truly felt like I had not much time left to do whatever it is I am here for. Little did I know, my gut was right. My World, my Universe was indeed about to shift. Never did I think it would be the loss of one of my children that would bring those feelings to fruition.

When I was young, I always had a strong sense of there being more than just what we get here on this earth. I remember vividly feeling as though there were others around me that I could not see or hear. I just knew they were there. My faith in God was there but I always had issues with organized religion. We went to Church regularly, and I tried really hard to have that “faith” that so many people had. Slowly I began to feel that if I had to try so hard to find something then maybe it did not really exist. Fast forward several years to when Wolfgang was born. He was so sick, so close to death and any faith I did have was now gone. I fought for years with myself and my beliefs. I still had this sense that there was a guiding force, something far greater beyond what we see before us. I knew though for me, it was not to be found in a Church.
Then Arthur left. From that very moment when I found him I knew. He was gone from this earth in a physical sense. His body was no longer needed to continue his journey. I have said before It felt as if my son was just missing. I knew he was still somewhere, I was just not sure exactly where. Then There was the first time when I knew he was with me. I have had that boy stand by my side enough times to know it was him. And everything became clear to me. Life is ETERNAL! We are here physically for only a short time but we do not leave our loved ones when that time is done. Arthur is off with spirit, learning and growing, preparing for his next run at the physical life. But he is still here, with me.

2015/01/img_1002.jpg

My Dreams

There are some mornings still when I just don’t want to get out bed. One of the things I find about keeping this blog is I can track my own progress in this healing journey. The most important thing I have learned is that it is very slow going. Some days it is three steps forward, two steps back. It’s like riding a roller coaster in slow motion. Another thing I have notice is that when I have more vivid dreams, the kind that I can remember clearly and write down, I seem to have better days. Now I don’t know that one has anything to do with the other at all. But I have not remembered any of my dreams for a week now and I feel somewhat more down than I have been. Oddly very few of my dreams have anything to do with Artie. Hell, most make no sense at all, but I write everything I can recall down. Not sure what changes my dream patterns and why some stay with me and others don’t. Maybe I feel better when they do because it is an escape of sorts. I have something to go to through out my day when things start getting me down. Every night, before I go to sleep, I ask Artie to please come to me in a dream. I miss his face…

2015/01/img_0997.jpg

A little back story

My life was always good. Worked through struggles when I was young just like everyone else. Married and divorced, then married again. I have worked, partied, traveled and met all kinds of people in my lifetime. Had my first two babies when I was 21 and 22. I believed I had been blessed with the two most perfect children ever! I was lucky to get to stay home most of their lives and Shane and Lilly were the light of my life. But I always wanted more children. By the time I divorced I figured that was just not to be. Then we moved from Texas to Alabama and I met the true love of my life, Kurt. We were together a little over a year when our Arthur was born. I was 36 years old. I was so excited to have another baby and Arthur was an absolute joy. I swear that kid came out smiling and talking! We decided to have another baby so Artie would have someone to grow up with. Twenty-two months after Arthur, we had Wolfgang. I was 38 by the time he got here. Eight days after 9-11. We never expected to have the issues that Wolfie was born with. Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. We were floored. For the first five years of his life Wolfie went through 3 heart surgeries,and a few bouts with fluid in his lungs. All the while Artie was being pretty much raised by Lilly and Shane and other friends and family. He would spend time with us at the hospital when he could but that was hard on him. Arthur was not one to sit quiet for very long. He was always a fantastic brother to Wolfgang. There are few pictures of the two of them that don’t have Artie’s arm around Wolfie’s shoulder. Once the last surgery was over, we had two pretty normal healthy little boys running around. They were inseparable. Looking back on all those years after, up to the time Artie left us, I am so grateful for the memories I have been left with. The joy I have when my mind allows me to visit those moments is immeasurable. I know now that Arthur was brought to us for specific purposes. One, to be my son. To give me the overwhelming happiness of bringing life into this world. He was here to be a brother for Wolfgang, to protect and watch out for him until the crisis with his heart was over. Most importantly, I believe with all my heart and being he was here to be a light in so many peoples lives. A reminder of unconditional love and understanding. A memory to reach for on those days when things just feel dark. And above all else, to remind us that the joys and love of life are fleeting. We must enjoy these moments and be grateful for the people in our lives. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Create memories not fortunes. Those memories may very well be your life line someday. I know this to be truth.

2015/01/img_0491.jpg

The never ending struggle

My heart aches every moment for my sons arms around my neck, a kiss on the cheek, or just to hear an I love you mom from him.
I am so grateful for every second of his life that I was lucky enough to spend with him. Everyday is a struggle to hold it together. But I do because I share his story, our story. I do this so other moms know they are not alone. Maybe let them know the ups and downs they will have are normal, and to go with whatever gets you through. For others that have thankfully never had the loss of a child I hope this will help them maybe understand a little what our life is like after. After, it all comes down to after. We hold on to the memories of before but we always have to come back to “after”. And it sucks….

Go out, enjoy something today. Hug someone, find one thing to laugh about and above all, be grateful for life and breath….

2015/01/img_0971.jpg

Thoughts at the end of the day

I was so looking forward to you becoming a young man. Starting to prepare for a life of your own. You were so exciting about getting to drive, going on dates and getting a job. My dreams for you were so vivid. Great friends, lots of good times in your teenage years, I even thought ahead expecting you to continue with Amtgard and one day be Knighted! And I can close my eyes even now and see images of what your children would have looked like. Hoping of course they would all have that smile of yours. I know how much you liked kids.
But these things will not happen here on this earth. The world will never know what kind of man you would have become. But, those of us that love you and knew you best know. You made your mark in the short time you were here on so many people. Forever people will talk about this smart alecky, loving, honest and noble Pirate kid they had the honor of knowing once. You my son are the type of person legends are written about. And I was lucky enough to be your mom….

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: