Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

The following is a comment left on my Facebook page. It concerned me that maybe my message is not making sense.

You said he was not troubled. Why, then would he take his life. I have experienced suicide of a loved one up close and personal. , but I know if he had not been troubled… it wouldn’t have happened. Sorry for your loss.
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When this started, I like many other moms needed answers. Many young people that take their lives have had obvious issues that brought them to the decision. If they were not so apparent, the answers were discovered soon after. In our case, Arthur did not show any signs of depression, no self harm issue that we knew of, no angry outbursts. Nothing! Our family was together all the time. Arthur did not run the streets. Did not do drugs or drink alcohol. We knew he was bummed about the issue that came about within our homeschool group. It was hard for him to come to terms with it for some time. He was bothered by the the break up with his girlfriend, but again he seemed to be okay with it for sometime before that night. He was a teenage boy. There was nothing different really until the day he left. And it was nothing we saw or heard at the time. It was all things we came to realize after the fact sadly.
It is so important to educate families, from our experience, that you may not get the “hey I need help” cry from a young person thinking about suicide. Every situation is different. Teenagers all have some struggle at some point. Sometimes they can hide their problems extremely well. Even when you have a relationship like Arthur and I did. We did everything together and talked about life stuff all the time. You don’t always know what is going on in their minds.

3 thoughts on “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

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  1. I am not sure if I am stunned by this persons comment or just confused by it. Is this person a Therapist? a Physician. What was your relationship to this person? I understand you to believe this person was troubled. I am sorry no one realised this before it was to late and sorry for your loss.

    This is what this blog is about, to make people aware and hopefully help children seek help when they are having issues.

    Thank you Lann for another compassionate Post. Your messages are very clear. When you doubt that, check the number of comments that have been sent to your post.

    Love you

  2. I didn’t read the Facebook post, just saw your blog post here so I don’t really know the whole context of the conversation but still, cannot ignore what I feel from your blog entry. Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood anything. I’m not one to give negative posts any attention but today, I have to.

    I find your courage to share your story in public, during the darkest hours of your life, to be inspiring. A priceless gift. I thank you. We all can help each other, by sharing our stories. Rising up for the greater good of society when we’d really like to be hiding in our dark bedrooms under the covers. Spreading awareness of the very REAL possiblity of death to young people whether it be by suicide, risky behavior, taking chances for thrills, drugs, is something we all should be participating in, actively. We live in a TROUBLED world.

    I am really surprised that anyone who has suffered the loss of a child would make a comment that would bring anything but comfort and compassion to a parent, a family, a MOTHER. My first thoughts reading about this comment were WHY? WHY would this person say that? To simply vomit a throught that came into mind? Scrutinize your words? Imply that YOU, the Mother didn’t know your son? Dissection of a sentence? Arrogance? Was the goal to create doubt where doubt already lives, deeply rooted, till eternity, for your family.

    We all know that anyone that takes their own life did so for a reason. Teenagers are notorious for impulsivity. Driven by impulse. Make poor choices, even raised in the finest, loving environments. I find it impossible for a teenager to truly fathom death and eternity. It is a challenge for most adults.

    The posted comment implies experience yet smells of detachment, despite the token ending… “Sorry for your loss”. The post refers to not being a stranger to suffering the suicide of a close loved one? That does not read “Death of MY CHILD”. There is NO COMPARISON. I know this, intimately. We lost our 18 year old, youngest son in a tragic accident in our home, March 2 will be his second year in Spirit.

    Death, by ANY manner, suicide, accident, illness….to lose a child, we lose a piece of our soul. Question every minute, EVERY detail of every single THING in time. This child grew inside our bodies. We doubt ourselves while lying in their beds, hoping the catch a glimpse of their scent. We wonder how we could have prevented it….regret, scrutinize…all the what if’s, a tape that plays over and over in our minds, awake and asleep.

    I’d say that WE ARE ALL TROUBLED, we that have lost our children. Despite the insensitivity of SOME and the brutality of the condition, we are still standing.

    I hear the very honest and true words coming out of your mouth and I am waving a flag with a huge heart on it, for you.

  3. Wow, that’s all I can say in response to the Facebook post. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing any one of my children, and I have 5. I can tell you from experience that there are not always signs!! It’s the inner turmoil of our most sweet, empathetic children that don’t want to hurt someone with the words that would release the anguish they have in their hearts. It’s their own guilt over causing stress or change in their family, seeing the pain on their mommy’ face as they say, “I am hurting and you don’t know, you don’t understand, or you cannot do anything to help me. I am alone.” I have a beautiful, loving and very empathetic 14 year old girl that I thank God has narrowly missed killing herself, twice! While there were signs the first time, they were so typical of a “normal” teenager. Isolation. Not from friends and fun, but sitting in her room listening to music and doing homework, only coming down for dinner. Ups and downs in her moods~she’s a girl! It’s expected-once a month! We had a lot of stressors then, both inside and out of our home, so she didn’t want to add to it. she decided to leave, to die. She felt that we would “get over it in a few months.” ~DD’s suicide note. Teachers, family, friends~no one saw it! I have 3 older children, I had been through the teenager thing, without the same consequences. So, the smile on her face, the laughter with her friends, and the joys of every day life that we saw were just an act. She hid it well, she played “the part” and IMPULSIVELY, let me say this again, IMPULSIVELY, tried to end her life! The day before her second, very near suicide attempt, I said, “can you believe how happy she is?”and the next day, her feet are blue, her heart is going to blow up, and she was having seizures. There’s no making sense of it and it’s all the more scary because it was IMPULSIVE! Like a typical teenager jumping of the proverbial bridge, her brain was/is not able to process the consequences. I have my theories, my opinions, my thoughts, but in NO WAY is it this mommy’ fault for not “seeing the signs” or knowing her son was having anything more than typical teenager troubles! I hope Miss Facebook opinion apologizes and I am truly sorry for her ignorance. Please don’t take on her finger pointing. Be angry, be sad, bring up memories, release, right here! We want to listen. We want to hear that we, as parents, are not alone and we want to know that, ultimately (for me at least) if the very nightmare we fear will come to our lives-we can make it through the pain. Be strong. ~you are giving me a safe place to quietly cry for my own pain. Thank you.

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